And pizza should be quick and easy
Most modern pizza is, by nature, a communal food meant to feed a group of people in equal, easy-to-serve proportions. That's been at the very core of American pizza since rickety street carts sold the stuff for a nickel a pop, and lives on in the form of the almighty slice. And deep dish is not a slice-friendly food.
"Nobody wants to sell you a slice here," Eliza told me, boiling over with frustration. "You know how much struggle you have to go through to get a fuckin' slice here? There might be a couple of places, but they're few and far between."
That deep dish refuses to get into the slice game is baffling to me -- those pieces are so filling, a restaurant could make bank on them. The whole practice is very anti-pizza.
It should double as a snack
The fact of the matter is, deep dish is just too much -- too much cheese, too much crust, too much sauce, too much everything. Even the toppings are extreme, literal sheets of sausage and pepperoni stacked like scalloped shingles on a roof. Eating it feels like slogging through dense, cheesy quicksand -- tasty quicksand, but quicksand all the same. It's basically Ambien in food form.