Defend the Donut
Not too long ago, some dangerous maniac sliced a glazed donut lengthwise, and forced it to accept a cheeseburger. A phenomenon was born. A million donuts died.
Donuts are not hamburger buns. Donuts are donuts. Donuts are good. But like, in the way that God is good. Imagine if God had a cheeseburger in his midsection? That wouldn’t be a great idea either. Sure, people would probably be super-interested in Cheeseburger God at first, but after a few short months, they’d be way less into him than both 1) regular cheeseburgers, and also 2) Gods who have normal ethereal “bodies” that are really just a showpiece so us humans can relate a little more. Same thing with donuts.
Imagine if the Dunkin guy said “time to make the donut burgers!!” every morning? He’d be even fatter, and much less happy. He’d know that it was no longer possible for people to disappear seven of his beautiful product and barely feel full. He’d know that cops couldn’t dip them into coffee very easily at all. Twin Peaks might not even have been a show.
There are other such crimes. Take donuts with bacon on top. I’m not sure anyone even enjoys them; they just love the idea of buying things with bacon on them, then telling people about it on Internet. In Singapore, they make fish-flavored donuts. I refuse to even elaborate on that. And don’t forget donut hybrids, the most popular of which -- one culturally prominent croissant union -- people wait on line for, for hours, in Soho, New York, even though they’re rich. Rich people don’t wait in lines! It takes something highly foolish to make rich people wait in lines, like “drinks not even called Red Dog” at the “opera”, or those aforementioned evil centaurs of Snack.
The point is: everyone, please, stop messing with donuts. Also, croissants are something nobody should mess with, but I feel like that happens far less often so they’re okay for now. But still, watch out.
- Ben Robinson