Food & Drink

Fat Kid Fridays, August 16th Edition: This week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie content

A pile of Cro-Knots
Drew Wood

Everyone has those moments when they awake from the stupor of early-morning teeth-brushing and realize that their cut six-pack abs that they never had in the first place have disappeared and been replaced by a lil' paunch. But only a true man, upon seeing this change, feels immense pride in the vast accomplishment of eating well. These men are lovers of life and of all things delicious. This Fat Kid Friday is for you, true man. And for those of you who still sport your cut six-pack abs... Yeah, read this list, and your days are numbered.

Weird chips
Adam Robb

6. Beef Tendon and Black Garlic Potato Chips
Zahav, Philadelphia
Approximate Calorie Count: 197. Just don't eat the whole bag plate.
So what if these guys are small? So what if they're "light"? So what if one of them looks like a used Brillo Pad? They're still deep-fried, and they're beef tendon and black garlic "potato" chips. Because some dude must have been like, "These BBQ potato chips are too healthy and not meaty enough", and some other dude must have been like, "These garlic potato chips aren't garlicky enough", so some GENIUS dude straight up made chips that are just deep-fried beef tendon and black garlic.
Wanna see a whole box of Zahav's sea urchin?? Right this way...

Bacon Balls
Dan Gentile

5. Deep-Fried Bacon Balls
East Side King at Hole in the Wall, Dallas
Approximate Calorie Count: 360. Plus, think of all the sweet "balls in your mouth" jokes you'll get out of 'em...
Balls of bacon, breaded in panko, then deep-fried. Because nothing says "delicious" like hot (yay!)... balls (wait a second!)... of bacon (okay cool, yay!). Plus, they're a happy hour treat that cost just $3, and they're served with sweet and sour dipping sauce and lemon.
Check out the crazy ramen this place is dishing out

Drew Wood

4. The Baconaut
Angel Food Bakery, Minneapolis
Approximate Calorie Count: 526. Definitely knot healthy (!).
Okay, so this place has been making a Cronut predecessor that they call the Cro-Knot since wayyy before any NYC bakeries thought of the idea (as far back as 1988). They knot up croissant-style dough and then deep-fry the knots before drizzling them with glaze while they're still fingerprint-eliminatingly hot. And, while that guy above may still be in the research/experimentation phase, they're planning on soon rolling out a Cro-Knot with bacon knotted into the dough that's then deep-fried and covered in maple glaze, and they're calling it the Baconaut. We have seen the future, and it is bacon-y, deep-fried, and delicious.
Watch exactly how these things are made, here

3. Bourbon Bacon Waffles and Wings
The Albert, Atlanta
Approximate Calorie Count: 1,024. It's like a mesmerizing waterfall of sugary goodness.
It's the classic fried chicken & waffles model, but much awesomer: they put bacon INTO the waffles, then top them with smoked wings, throw on some more bacon, and then douse them with that beautiful perpetual syrup drip up above. Oh yeah, and the syrup is a) Caramel flavored and b) Infused with bourbon.
What does a BBQ Benedict look like? Only one way to find out...

Bread Zeppelin
Aaron Miller

2. Bread Zeppelin Salad/Burrito/Sandwich
Bread Zeppelin, Irving (TX)
Approximate Calorie Count: 1,354. And still technically (partially?) a salad...
This place makes "zeppelins", sandwiches (burritos?) that are really just hollowed-out loaves of bread stuffed with "salad". They toast the baguettes, brutally eviscerate them remove much of the bread filling, then fill it with toppings of your choice. We chose fried chicken cutlet, bacon, some peppers, tomatoes, and lettuce. It may not exactly make you light enough to float, but don't let this thing take you down with it.
So where do the tongs and curved salad-chopping blades come in?

Supreme Nacho Burger
Sara Norris

1. The Supreme Nacho Burger
Slater's 50/50
Approximate Calorie Count: 1,852. Miiiiiiiight be a good idea to have your cardiologist on speed-dial before you try to climb this mountain...
From the place that brought you the all-bacon burger, this monster is just as unhealthy delicious: it starts with a beef patty flavored with taco spices, then gets laid on a bed of shredded cheddar on top of a flour tortilla before being loaded up with tomato, onion, salsa, black beans, a heaping scoop of guac, a pile of bacon, and housemade seasoned tortilla chips, all of which is wrapped up, washed in egg, deep-fried (!), and hit with nacho cheese, a dollop of sour cream, pickled jalapenos, and tortilla chip crumbles. It is delicious, and it is beautiful, and it will kill you is perfect.
Step-by-step guide? Step-by-step guide.