Fat Kid Fridays, October 25th Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie content

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Halloween's coming up next week, and what better way to get your body geared up for ingesting copious amounts of candy than ingesting copious amounts of other foods? In the spirit of helping you more effectively gorge yourself, we scoured our week-old archives for some of the craziest things we've covered in the past seven days, and come up with a list that'll downright frighten you... with how delicious it is! We mean the things on the list, not the list itself. Please don't eat lists.

octopus fun dip museum of sex play restaurant new york
Andrew Zimmer

6. Octopus Fun Dip
Play, NY
Approximate Calorie Count: 520
You know how, when you were eating Fun Dip as a kid, you always wished that the chalky candy stick that came with it was the tentacle of some unfortunate mollusk instead, and that the flavored sugar was a trio of savory powders? Well, your childhood dreams have been realized, you strange, strange person. Play, from the folks behind the Museum of Sex in NYC, is bringing you this truly sensual dish, consisting of sous-vide octopus sided with oregano-feta, tomato-paprika, and curry-coconut powders for dipping. Great for the kids!
You know the Museum of Sex is gonna serve some interesting stuff...

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5. Deviled Duck Eggs with Candied Bacon
TAP, Atlanta
Approximate Calorie Count: 640
Chicken? So passé. Duck's where it's at now, as evidenced by this bar snack from Atlanta that consists of some waterfowl eggs that've been artfully deviled and topped with sugary, smoky candied bacon and fresh jalapeno slices. Duck eggs are inherently a bit fattier and richer than chicken eggs, making them the Jabba the Hutt to the chicken egg's Bib Fortuna. Yeah, we made an obscure Star Wars reference. Look it up.
Scope out some other sweet Atlanta-area bar snacks right here...

bacon on a stick ward 6 minneapolis saint paul
Drew Wood

4. Bacon-on-a-Stick
Ward 6, Minneapolis
Approximate Calorie Count: 669
In the interest of portability, many things have been put on sticks, such as hot dogs and literally everything at the Minnesota State Fair. Now joining in on the fun are these pork belly slices, which've been charred to a golden crisp and smothered in cayenne-lemon gastrique. Isn't efficiency grand?
The Twin Cities have plenty more where that came from...

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3. Chicken & Jojos
Reel M Inn, Portland
Approximate Calorie Count: 775
Not just K-Ci's partner anymore, jojos are also the name used in Portland for these huge potato wedge fries, which are traditionally served alongside a heaping helping of fried chicken. This particular iteration of the dish takes around 25min to prepare, because the fries and chicken tenders are so gargantuan. This is one food that's sure to give you some mojo... jojo.
And this isn't even the craziest grub that Portland has to offer...

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2. Hawaiian Hot
Hoppin Hots, Chicago
Approximate Calorie Count: 995
Get transported to a tropical island paradise with this hot dog from Chicago (the best tropical island paradise of all), which's topped with teriyaki pork, pineapple relish, pickled red onions, crushed avocado, and cotija cheese. Stuff your face with plenty of these and you still might be able to gurgle out an affectionate "mahalo".
But wait until you see their twist on the Sonoran dog...

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1. Brunch Biscuit Sandwich
Bang Bang Pie Shop, Chicago
Approximate Calorie Count: 1063
The crown this week goes to a biscuit sandwich from Chi-town that's got pretty much everything you need in a breakfast, unless you're an ardent Boo Berry fan. It consists of a smoked sausage patty and a poached egg, along with some country cream gravy, on top of a phenomenally dense, buttery biscuit, and's sided with some Concord grape jelly for good measure. Just turn it into a cereal and you'll have something the whole family will love be genuinely confused about.
Biscuits? At a pie shop? Yeah, and they've also got -- YOU GUESSED IT -- some awesome pies...