Test results, pt. 2: Wil's reckoning
I went home in a foul mood -- still picking seeds out of my teeth and sensing the bitter remnants of defeat on my tongue (or maybe I was still tasting the thousands of poppy seeds I just ate?).
When I got home, I told my girlfriend what had happened. She suggested I try testing myself again, as sometimes these things take a little while, in her esteemed medical opinion.
I went to the drug store and got another drug test -- and chugged some more poppy water, just in case.
As I readied myself over the cup, I somehow knew this time was different. Maybe it was something in the air. Maybe it was my girlfriend's voice, demanding that I "at least do this in the bathroom, and not in the lobby of our building in front of all these people." Maybe it was just woman's intuition that I think I somehow gained by eating thousands of poppy seeds.
Whatever it was, when the piss settled and the test was ready for a gander, I knew that little red line would be absent from the "Opioid" section -- signaling a positive test.
Lo and behold: I had done it. I was positive for opium.
I spent the rest of the weekend reflecting on my successful experiment, while kicking back and smoking piles and piles of actual opium -- because if I was already testing dirty, I might as well enjoy the real thing right? Maybe with a bagel. A sesame seed bagel.
(Just kidding, Mom -- please don't make me take a test again.)
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Wil Fulton is a Staff Writer for Thrillist. He'll never eat a poppy seed again. Follow him @wilfulton.