We ate the mystery Doritos, and think we know the secret flavors

The release of a new Doritos flavor always gets snackers curious, but now the nacho cheese champs are really shaking the Mystery Machine by releasing a trio of new Doritos Jacked mystery flavors. To make things even more mysterious, they come packaged in silver bags with a recipe number rather than a descriptive name. Fans are urged to taste them, then vote on their favorite flavor (starting April 29th) in what political scientists will someday dub the policy of Doritos Diplomacy. Probably.

In an effort to crack the secrets hiding in the bag, we sent our Doritos-obsessed editor to test out the extra-thick, extra-seasoned Doritos mutants, and offer up guesses as to what they actually are.

[ UPDATE: Doritos has officially revealed the true identity of their Doritos Jacked Test Flavors and announced a winner that will hit shelves in Fall 2014. ]

Telltale ingredients: Cayenne pepper sauce, aged cayenne, red peppers, cheddar cheese
Tasting notes: There's a classic Doritos flavor going on here, kind of like a combo of the Spicy Nacho, Frank's Red Hot, and the Ranch Dipped Hot Wings, minus the ranch. It kind of tastes like making out with a girl who insisted you go out for wings on a first date... which is to say, these are pretty great. We'd ask these out on a second date.
Flavor hypotheses: Flamin' Hot 'Ritos; Tinga Quesadilla; Cheesy Sriracha

Telltale ingredients: Brown sugar, lime juice solids, orange juice solids, "spices" (no specifics provided)
Tasting notes: Remember those "Hint of Lime" Tostitos? Those were delicious. These kind of taste like those, except the "Hint of Lime" is more of an "Extremely Incriminating Presence of Lime". The spices round out the whole thing nicely and give it a slight kick and a little sweetness. It also kind of tastes like cheese, except cheese isn't an ingredient... unless cheese is one of the "spices".
Flavor hypotheses: Cholula Lime; Picante Sprite; Virgin Margarita

Telltale ingredients: Chipotle chili pepper, brown sugar, chocolate liquor, cocoa powder, "natural bacon type flavor", and "natural smoke flavor"
Tasting notes: Even by Doritos standards, there's a ton going on here... a kick of spice, a little chocolate, a sneaking smoke, and a pork aftertaste. It's vaguely reminiscent of that flavor you get when you finish a huge platter of Mexican food, then swab one more chip through the sauce and residue for a huge blast of flavor. But really, it's probably smoky molé.
Flavor hypotheses: Holé Molé; Chocolate Chili; Tijuana Girl Scout Cookie

As the cracks of my couch will gladly attest, I will eat Doritos in any form at any time, and these are all pretty solid. The lime-flavored one is the least Dorito-y, the spicy red one has the most in common with the classic, and the brown probably-molé one is just the right level of experimental, though it's probably the richest and hardest to eat an entire bag of in one sitting.

That said, I'd be curious to know of the apparently at least 2,650 flavors in the test batch, and recommend that the next round of Jacked flavors includes one that's the same flavor as original Nacho Cheese, only with about 7x more seasoning on it. You know. To jack it up.

Andy Kryza is a senior editor on Thrillist's national food and drink team, and recently had his dream of an all-Doritos wedding meal destroyed. Follow him to couples counseling via @apkryza.