If you're anything like us, your Christmas tree is probably still decorated, your New Year's Eve plans came together at the last second, and locking down a New Year's Day brunch was an impossible dream. Regardless, you'll still need food on the first day of 2017, so when you wake up -- in a strange city, or a stranger's bed, or both -- we've got you covered.
Behold our definitive guide to the best, most hangover-busting-est order you can get from these 14 major fast-food chains. According to OpenForNewYears (a very trustworthy blog that absolutely dominates SEO one week each year), each of these beloved brands have franchises doing business on New Year's Day, and according to math or something, there's almost definitely one serving near you. Figure out which, find some pants, and stumble in. Your perfect hangover-busting order awaits.
- Regular menus. We tried to ignore tantalizing special items, because they aren't always available.
- Greasiness. According to WebMD -- the also-trustworthy website you visit to convince yourself that your minor headache is actually a combination of SARS and AIDS -- grease & fat act better as a preventative hangover tactic, rather than a day-after repair move. Anecdotally, though: yep, grease'll work.
- Carb content. No bread, you're dead! Beat it with wheat! Eat grain, no pain! And so forth.
- Heartiness. Unlike the person you'll kiss at midnight tonight, these orders have substance.
- Absence of spice. Obviously there are exceptions based on personal taste, but by and large, we reached a consensus that mega-spicy foods were not optimal for alcohol-addled stomachs.
Stay safe tonight, party hard, buy the expedited bathroom-access bracelet, then tomorrow, order one of these picks, and you're guaranteed to spend 2017 as a much wealthier, more beautiful, significantly less hungover person.