If you want breakfast: Bacon, egg & cheese biscuit, McGriddle, fountain Sprite, apple pie
Like your BK maneuver, you're looking to double down on breading here, and these two sammies are by far your best tandem on the menu. (Double up on McGriddles at your own risk; too-sweet syrup has been known to rouse taste-memories of flavored liquor, and you probably drank some of that last night. You animal!) Sprite is exceptionally refreshing and should be ordered whenever possible. The apple pie? Get some, kid.
If you want not-breakfast: 20-piece McNuggets, 10-piece McNuggets, fountain Sprite, apple pie
Are you sensing a theme? Nuggets, guys. Nuggets are the answer to your New Year's Day full-body ache, and the fact is, Mickey D's makes damn crispy nuggets. To get 30 of them into your facehole, you'll need to sauce properly: we recommend barbecue, sweet & sour, or honey mustard, but you really can't go wrong.
What you're getting: SuperSonic breakfast burrito, Cinnasnacks
The beloved drive-in serves its entire menu all day, proving that a) it's possible; b) it's wonderful for doing it; and c) most other places making you jump through hoops to get their breakfasts are just cruel. BUT ANYWAY: this breakfast burrito is good enough to hold you down all day, which is good, because you're probably reading this from bed right now.
What you're getting: Chicken & bacon ranch 12", cookie
Subway is good at a great many things: sandwiches, keeping Michael Phelps on TV in between summer Olympics, and so forth. While its breakfast is serviceable, we recommend whacking your misery with a big ol' dose of its strongest offering. Depending on your heartburn levels, banana peppers can be a smart topping -- their pleasant zest will distract you from the searing headache rattling around your skull. (Note: beware the meatball trap. Only a madman dances with marinara on a shaky stomach.)
What you're getting for breakfast: A.M. Crunchwrap
if you're here early enough, get the A.M. Crunchwrap. Don't be a moron.
What you're getting later: As many Supreme Gorditas as you can physically ingest, plus two more after that
Sure, it's not the most stylish order. But if you cared about style points, you wouldn't be standing shirtless in a Taco Bell covered in glitter at 1pm. Or maybe that's just us. Anyway, a heaping mountain of crescent-shaped Supreme Gorditas is your order. The spongy soft-taco shells, drenched in beef grease, form a semi-solid bond for all the toppings. This is key, because you'll get meat, cheese, tomato & sour cream in every bite. Maybe a little vomit, too. But yeah, mostly that other stuff.