- Regular menus. We tried to ignore tantalizing special items, because they aren't always available.
- Greasiness. According to WebMD -- the also-trustworthy website you visit to convince yourself that your minor headache is actually a combination of SARS and AIDS -- grease & fat act better as a preventative hangover tactic, rather than a day-after repair move. Anecdotally, though: yep, grease'll work.
- Carb content. No bread, you're dead! Beat it with wheat! Eat grain, no pain! And so forth.
- Heartiness. Unlike the person you'll kiss at midnight tonight, these orders have substance.
- Absence of spice. Obviously there are exceptions based on personal taste, but by and large, we reached a consensus that mega-spicy foods were not optimal for alcohol-addled stomachs.
Stay safe tonight, party hard, buy the expedited bathroom-access bracelet, then tomorrow, order one of these picks, and you're guaranteed to spend 2017 as a much wealthier, more beautiful, significantly less hungover person.
What you're getting: Beef 'n Cheddar XL meal, curly fries, mozzarella sticks
If you can find an Arby's willing to make you a Meat Mountain, for God's sake, don't miss the opportunity. That's rare, though. Assuming you can't, you're going to want to snag a Beef 'n Cheddar -- with its onion roll & cheesy sauce, it's more robust than the original -- and tack on curly fries & extra sauce. Pro tip: start with a side of mozzarella sticks. It's the smart way to ease your stomach into the new year.
What you're getting: Two cheeseburgers, 20-piece chicken nuggets
Look, you can wake up with the King if you want. Cool Teens™ do it, when they're not too busy tweeting at Denny's, and, like, "vaping." But we recommend a very specific, very non-brekkie tack if you tied one/several/all on the night before. First, double up with two basic cheeseburgers off the value menu. Do NOT buy the double cheeseburger; you want two sandwiches. Why? Buns, man! That double dose of carbs (or whatever fast-food buns are made out of these days) will sustain your energy as you start stage two: the nuggets. Now, the King's nuggets are solidly average on a normal day. But this is no normal day; this is the first day of the rest of your life. Or 2017. Yeah, that. And today, you will appreciate their excellent breading and one-bite density, because you'll be able to line your vodka-addled tummy with a half-score of 'em in one sitting.