The Week's Most Ridiculous Eats, From a 7lb Po 'Boy to a Mac & Cheese Burger
It's Bob Marley's birthday! And if you're celebrating the way the man himself would, you're going to be hungry. This year, Fat Kid Friday falls on this auspicious occasion. While there aren't any Buffalo Soldier Wings (sorry!) in the lineup, there are plenty of picks for you to munch on, like a 7lb fried shrimp po'boy and breakfast cookies. Get up, stand up... for your right to get fat.
4. Cajun Fries
Pincho Factory (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 822
It is a scientifically and mathematically proven fact (trust us, we still know the quadratic formula) that you can never go wrong with fries. But sometimes, you need to reach for greatness. So behold, fries of James Carvillean proportions -- they're covered in grilled onions, Cajun seasoning, and a mysterious, secret pink sauce. We're pretty sure that makes them at least 472 times better than non-Cajun fries (see, we told you we're good at math).
You'd do well to pick up a plate of Miami's tastiest fries...
3. The Grim Burger
Lankford Grocery & Market (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 1,197
We're not quite sure why this burger is named what it is, because your future sure as hell won't look that way if you plan on ordering one. That's because it consists of a 1/2lb patty, creamy mac & cheese, bacon, jalapeños, and a fried egg. Considering this thing is made in Texas, it shouldn't come as a shock to see it busting out of its toasted sesame seed bun. Just like your gut will be busting out of your pants. Oh, now we get it -- it's alluding to your future in dating.
You don't even wanna know how many beastly burgers Texas has to offer...
2. Breakfast Cereal Cookies
Approximate calorie count: 3,500 (for 12)
In the late '70s/early '80s, Cookie Crisp's slogan was "You can’t have cookies for breakfast, but you can have Cookie Crisp!" Well, suck it, Cookie Crisp mascot Jarvis the Wizard! Because we found a way for you to have both. Sugary cookie dough with white chocolate chips is rolled in the cereal of your choice to make up these multi-meal suckers. While we went for picks like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms, Froot Loops, and Cocoa Puffs, the call is ultimately yours. But might we suggest actually using Cooke Crisp for the most meta cooking-eating experience possible? We might.
Put on your apron and get baking, brah...
1. Po'Boy Challenge
Fatso's Last Stand (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 3,624
Your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a SEVEN-POUND sandwich and A POUND of fries. And if you wanna get your name on a plaque (who doesn't?!?), you're gonna have to finish the whole damn thing. Plus a 32oz soda. Stuffed between that solid slab of bread is 2lbs of fried shrimp, coleslaw, tomatoes, pickles, lettuce, special sauce, cheese sauce, and shoestring fries. In case that other measly pound of potatoes wasn't sufficient. Should you complete this chubby challenge, it really will be the last time you stand for a while. But after a feat like that, you sure as hell deserve to lie down.
Chicago's also got a bunch of other gluttonous food challenges for you to attempt...
Rachel Freeman is a Food/Drink editorial assistant at Thrillist, and would definitely fail at every food challenge, unless it involved eating an entire wheel of cheese. Then she would definitely win. Follow her to the crackers: @rachelifreeman.