Fat Kid Fridays, August 15th Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie count

While college students are starting to pack up their bags and head to the dorms to definitely not experiment with stuff, it seems that chefs are channeling that same adventurous 18-year-old spirit. And since we're basically always eating like our teenage selves anyway (who needs vegetables, MOM?!), we're pretty happy when our repertoire gets expanded beyond the usual 1,000cal burgers or pizza pan-sized plate of nachos. So if you need us this weekend, we'll be riffing on the ramen pizza over and over again. And trying to figure out if our roommate from Minnesota is bringing the fridge.

Spritz Burger (address and info)
Chicago, IL
Approximate calorie count: 930
Most fancy mac & cheese plates layer on the bread crumbs, which, you know, is fine because buttery bread is an excellent topper for noodles dripping with cheese. But, just like ol' Ben Franklin and the Wright Brothers did before, some genius in the Spritz Burger kitchen thought further than the rest of us pedestrians and broke out the Cheetos. Because cheesy bread crumbles actually are the better mac & cheese topper. 
If you're in the mood for highbrow mac, there's also lobster mac & cheese...

XOCO Wicker Park (address and info)
Chicago, IL
Approximate calorie count: 999
Corn tortilla tacos are for dieters and people who really love getting taco drippings all over their hands. But luckily for you, that's totally not going to happen with this giant torta that's wrapped in crusty French bread that'll soak up the spicy-savory juices from braised short rib, jalapeños, melty Jack cheese, and caramelized onions. 
You're gonna want to save room for the killer guac bar here...

Chomp Eatery & Juice Station (address and info)
Los Angeles, CA
Approximate calorie count: 1,530
Because donut burgers are totally passé, it's time to get your cronut burger on... or, actually, the significantly less-catchy croissant donut burger that trademark laws insist this be called. Thankfully, the name doesn't detract from the burst of grease/joy you'll get biting through flaky pastry layers into a maple-glazed burger. Yep, it's maple-glazed, because why not?
LA's also got a Bulleit Bourbon-topped burger...

Thrillist
Approximate calorie count: 1,643
In college, my friends and I had a go-to punch recipe (dubbed Bump Juice for inexplicable reasons), and every Bump Juice night ended with me very seriously considering the pros and cons of every type of food I could eat in that moment, which, in my head, were strictly limited to jalapeño poppers, pizza delivery, and ramen. And my roommate Katherine would laugh at me, clearly not grasping the seriousness of the situation. This is all to say that, if I had this in college, maybe Katherine wouldn't have moved to San Francisco and we'd still be roommates eating pepperoni pizzas made with grease-laden, caramelized ramen crusts.
Get this recipe so 18-year-old you can finally rejoice...

Liz Childers is an editorial assistant for Thrillist food and drink, and wishes she could've branched Katherine out from her popcorn addiction towards that pizza. Follow her to food regrets @lizchilders1.