Food & Drink

Fat Kid Fridays, August 1st Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie count

half smoke and pizza dc
Laura Hayes

August is upon us, a month symbolizing extreme grandeur and dignity... the kind of dignity that one can only achieve by inhaling a gigantic hot dog wrapped in 20in of pizza. Today, we celebrate this auspicious month with four glorious gut bombs, including a dentist's nightmare of a sundae and something called the Belly Buster, which sadly has nothing to do with DMX, Nas, or Hype Williams, but will cause you to lose your head regardless. To wit:

4. Half Smoke & Pizza

Ben's Chili Bowl (address and info) & Jumbo Slice (address and info)
Washington DC
Approximate calorie count: 1,412
With famed foods like Jumbo Slices that are bigger than your entire arm (unless you're Dikembe Mutombo), DC proves it takes hella drunchies to run our nation's capital. But the real thing that puts them over the edge is the U Street Taco, which wraps the Jumbo Slice around another regional favorite, the half-smoke -- a chili-topped specialty dog. This'll put all your other late-night tacos to shame. And you to sleep.
Check out DC's other signature dishes...

belly buster fat pete's
Laura Hayes

3. The Belly Buster

Fat Pete's (address and info)
Washington DC
Approximate calorie count: 1,474
We're obviously ready to get down with all the BBQ we can grab, but choices? They've never been our strong suit. So thank goodness for Fat Pete's decision to just throw it all together into one enormous pile of a sandwich. Smoked bologna, pulled pork, and brisket cuddle up between the buns -- but not before making room for a little candied bacon and mac 'n cheese. Because of course. 
We've got 9 other reasons you need Fat Pete's in your life...

2. Monster A.1. Peppercorn burger with bottomless steak fries

Red Robin (address and info)
Various locations
Approximate calorie count: 3,540
While the Center for Science and Public Interest dubbed this fast-food meal the unhealthiest in its Xtreme Eating Awards, we want to be the first to reach out with a true gold medal -- because adding an extra patty to an already-giant burger and ensuring you can eat fries until the manager kicks you out is a true act of patriotism/display of genius. And that's all before the jumbo-sized chocolate milkshake CSPI threw in. 
This Bruléed French Toast shouldn't be ignored though...

1. The Dentist Disaster

Cabot's Ice Cream (address and info)
Boston, MA
Approximate calorie count: 4,700
The old-school parlor has mastered payback to all the evil dentists of childhoods past with this epically large sundae. The beast takes 10 scoops of their candy-laden creams -- Milky Ways? They've got 'em. Snickers? That too. -- then covers the mountain in a river of hot fudge and caramel sauces, plus a blanket of whipped cream. You can then top it off with Reese's Pieces. So you obviously should... ET didn't have any teeth, and he seemed pretty OK.
Boston's got an ice cream pizza, too. And it's exactly as awesome as it sounds... 

Liz Childers is an national food & drink editorial assistant, and she's pretty sure she could move to DC to be closer to the Belly Buster. Follow her to obesity: @lizchilders1