1. The Lethargy Burger
Kuma's Too, Chicago
Approximate calorie count: 1,725
This hefty burger named for death metal band Lethargy packs enough calories to fuel an entire marching band during a thrash cover of "Sweet Caroline": It's a 10oz patty topped with beer-battered mushrooms, fried bacon, sliced turkey, and a giant glob of spicy ricotta. It will indeed make you lethargic. But you're already in your sweatpants playing Guitar Hero, so it's fine.
Next, you could eat the Black Sabbath burger while playing Guitar Hero...
Liz Childers is a food/drink editorial assistant at Thrillist. She prefers her vegetables with bacon fat, her chicken fried, and her ramen with a bowl of extra chili paste. Follow her @lizchilders1.