Fat Kid Fridays, July 11th Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie count

Now that you've recovered from a three-day weekend spent guzzling rosé, trying to justify why rosé is your go-to drink, and housing 2,000 calories of hot dogs, it's time to get back to normal. And by normal, we mean eating burgers with mac & cheese for buns and foie gras waffles. Sure, Independence Day is over, but it's America all year, and you should be celebrating. Mainly by eating stupid amounts of decadent food.

Scion (address and info)
Washington, DC
Approximate calorie count: 812
Like the Hallmark industry instructs, it's the little things that count. And the little things are so effing delicious at this DC spot. For one, these "nachos" sub breakfast potatoes for chips, so these are really just epic cheese fries that're acceptable to be eaten in the daylight hours, rather than, say, at 3am. The jalapeños are also deep-fried, forever ruining all other nachos with basic pickled 'peños. And did you see this cheese?! Okay, that's normal for nachos, but still. Cheese. 
More into freshly fried donuts? We found those, too...

MAX's Wine Dive (address and info)
Atlanta, GA
Approximate calorie count: 1,040
These are like the beautiful latkes that your Bubbe tried to teach you to make, but you could never hear her over your incessant chewing. (Seriously, put down the fork and listen to your Grandma.) They have the tradish sour cream, but also get a dose of cheese, lamb bacon,and fried Brusselssprouts. We're not actually sure where those sprouts came from, but we're pretty into them. 
Because you obviously need some other ways to eat bacon...

Sweet Chick (address and info)
New York, NY
Approximate calorie count: 1,402
Have a deep, undying yearning for fatty goose liver, but cannot handle the glares that Rachel, your one vegetarian friend, gives you when you lick it off the plate? The foieffle has you covered. The bready half of this chicken & waffle plate has foie gras baked right into the waffle, so no one will know what you're eating. Or how much fat is in there. If you keep it secret that it's duck fat maple syrup, then all of the brunchtime judgement will be reserved for that fried chicken. (Seriously, Rachel, you're making us uncomfortable.)
This spot also has a fried-chicken Parm & waffle...

Flat Iron (address and info)
Philadelphia, PA
Approximate calorie count: 1,783
If you like your burgers and your mac & cheese sides separate... well, that's too bad. Also, you're unimaginative, unlike these Philly folks, but we would still go to lunch with you, if only so we can eat your mac & cheese-bunned, bacon-topped burger after we finish our own.
Philly's got 18 hot Summer openings serving up goods like this...

Liz Childers is an editorial assistant on Thrillist's national food/drink team. She would like to encourage the restaurateurs to hop on-board the mac & cheese-bun trend... just to help America cut down on carbs, not because she'd eat them all or anything. Follow her at @lizchilders1.