Fat Kid Fridays, July 25th Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie count

cave man club
Meg Strouse

Lest you forgot how great America is (commie), we've finally reached the state fair portion of the Summer: that grand time when you can slowly sweat off 10lbs while simultaneously eating a 25lb, deep-fried, oreo-encrusted, bacon-slathered burger. God bless our ingenuity and the bacon-wrapped fried turkey leg we found this week at the OC Fair. Oh, and there's also a hot dog and French fry-topped pizza. 

Give a hearty American FKF salute to the four most gluttonous things we wanted to clog our arteries with this week:

coast guard burger
Matt Meltzer

4. Coast Guard Burger

Big Pink (address and info)
Miami, FL
Approximate calorie count: 1,186
Proving there's no reason surf 'n turf should be limited to that bougie filet and lobster tail plate, this burger couples a giant beef patty with an equally large crab cake. The beautiful intermingling of tartar sauce and cheddar cheese and bacon (?!) makes us unsure if we want to be on land or at sea. We'll dip one toe in the pool and eat this while we decide.
We're also fans of the pulled pork-topped burger and the mac 'n cheese-topped one...

phat gigalo sandwich
Veronica Meewes

3. Phat Gigalo Sandwich

Big Bite Restaurant (address and info)
Austin, TX
Approximate calorie count: 1,357
While it may not make you phat -- or whatever the kids say these days -- to sit solo and down this late at night, it will, 100%, make you fat. And in our books that's just as great. So, go ahead and get down with this hoagie sandwich of mozz sticks, onion rings, and fries (so, basically every fried side item), plus all the cheesesteak accoutrements. So phat, er, fat. 
You can eat so well late at night in Austin...

french fry hotdog pizza
Drew Swantak

2. French Fry Hot Dog Pizza

Ribalta (address and info)
New York, NY
Approximate calorie count: 1,682
Do the James Beard guys award innovation? Because we're pretty sure some super-patriotic 6-year-old chef deserves to have his budding genius recognized. We'll admit that we don't get why this is Neapolitan instead of Chicago- or New York-style, but it's easy to forget that once you consider how many thin French fries and chopped-up hot dog pieces are covering the marinara and mozz on this pie
This pizza showed off all its angles for us...

cave man club
Meg Strouse

1. Cave Man Club

Bacon A-Fair
OC Fair
Approximate calorie count: 3,790
You may've thought fair food was crazy (and crazily deep-fried) before, but now there's this, which puts all your deep-fried butter and Doritos to shame. The aptly named fair fare is a humongous turkey gam fully wrapped in bacon and then deep-fried. We hope modern-day Fred Flintstones are smart enough to chow down on this rather than use it as a club, or else that'd be a horrible waste of bacon.
They basically fry everything at the fair. Even pecan pie...

Liz Childers is an editorial assistant at on Thrillist's national food and drink team and wants to test the limits of wrapping food in full packs of bacon and then deep-frying them. She suspects there are no limits. Follow her to gluttony via pork at @lizchilders1.