Food & Drink

Fat Kid Fridays, July 4th Edition: The most ridiculous American foods, ranked by calorie count

If we wanted to settle for crumpets and tea, we would have stuck with the whole British colonial thing. Instead, our forefathers declared that even the greasiest of fish & chips weren't enough. This, friends, is America, a place where we exercise our indelible right to make burgers out of solid bacon, or deep-fry our hot dogs... whatever we want! And to honor that, we rounded up the most ridiculous and delicious renditions of America's greatest foods that've come out since the Stars 'n Bars were limited to 13 stars. God bless America. And God bless this, the most American of Fat Kid Fridays.

5. State Fair vs. Drive-In Dog

Created by Kevin Gillespieof Atlanta's Gunshow
Approximate calorie count: 1,150
This dog is so American it even has a flag staked through its battered skin, as though Neil Armstrong claimed it with as much pride as he planted Old Glory on the moon. The dog takes a hot bath in the deep fryer after being battered in cornmeal, resulting in an even better version of a corn dog. Then, it's sandwiched in a duck fat-covered bun and topped with slaw, onions, and chili sauce, just like the great drive-in dogs of yore.
Here's why this dog was dubbed the Most America-est Hot Dog ever...

4. Macaroni and Cheese Pizza

Mesa Pizza (address and info)
Minneapolis, MN
Approximate calorie count: 1,240
At first glance, this giant pie looks like a basic New York-style pizza, oozing with a few varieties of cheese. Your eyes are liars. It's actually a combo of two of the most patriotic dishes we have: gooey, orange mac & cheese and huge-slice pizza. And while it's not a dish, carbs on carbs on carbs is also quite patriotic. And really good the night before a track meet, according to Coach.
We had to pick favorites, but the rest of Minneapolis's mac & cheeses are also star-spangled...

3. The Beast of Midtown East

The Pullman Kitchen (address and info)
New York, NY
Approximate calorie count: 1,714
We didn't invent bread, but America sure has perfected the towering sandwich that is bread's loftiest goal, and this one is proof. It houses fried chicken as its centerpiece, but also has cheese-topped waffles, bacon, ham, and cheesy bread. So yes, it is a chicken and waffle BLT with extra cheese. And it's perfect.
We dissected the many layers of The Beast for your benefit...

'merica burger
Sara Norris

2. 'Merica Burger

Slater's 50/50 (address and info)
San Diego, CA
Approximate calorie count: 2,079
While the basic Slater's 50/50 pulls in a lot of pride for the Stars and Stripes thanks to its 50% bacon patty, the 'Merica Burger is something that would make Lady Liberty weak in the knees. Both patties are solid bacon, which are topped with slices of more bacon, melted cheddar, and a fried egg. It's all sandwiched between a -- wait for it! -- bacon-pretzel bun. The only thing that could make this better is if the cheese was... American. Or just a slab of bacon grease.
Behold, the step-by-step making of the 'Merica Burger... 

all american burger
Courtesy of FYI

1. All American Burger

Epic Meal Time
Approximate calorie count: All of the calories
The only thing that could top Slater's 'Merica Burger is one created in an unholy collaboration between Thrillist and Epic Meal Time. With 10lbs of ribs, 20lbs of ground pork, 30lbs of ground buffalo, 100 hot dogs, 40 apples, 7 raw pizza doughs, 4 beers, 10lbs of flour, 120 cheese slices, 45 pieces of bacon, 10lbs of steak fries, one bag of chips, and one 18in deep-dish pizza, this meal could've fed everyone at the first Thanksgiving, and there'd still be some leftover to make Jefferson, Franklin, and the rest of those dudes too sleepy to sign the Declaration of Independence.
Watch Epic Meal Time throw this thing together...

Liz Childers is an editorial assistant on Thrillist's food & drink team. She's pretty sure Ben Franklin would be really into the 'Merica Burger. Follow her at @lizchilders1