Food & Drink

Fat Kid Fridays, June 27th Edition: The week's most ridiculous eats, ranked by calorie count

ostrich egg breakfast sandwich
Anthony Humphreys

As much as we'd like to, one cannot cheer for Team USA on cachaca-based, World Cup-themed drinks alone. It takes far more calories to keep us energized during these gut-wrenching games. And if we happen to meet Uruguay down the line, the 10,000cal ostrich egg sandwich should keep everyone full so that no one else gets bitten. 

4. Lemon Buttermilk Griddlecakes

Bradley's Fine Diner (address and info)
Houston, TX
Approximate calorie count: 941
We're pretty sure Shakespeare once wrote, "A pancake by any other name would taste as sweet". At the time, Bradley's Fine Diner hadn't opened to serve its griddlecakes. But Billy Shakes would no doubt approve of James Beard-winning chef Bradley Ogden's griddlecakes, as they're very much oozing with lemon buttermilk syrup and dripping blueberry compote. It's more sweetness than your regular pancakes could hope for, and the half-inch heft is ready to soak it all up.
Houston's other Spring openings look delicious...

carne asad burrito
Natalie Holtz

3. Surfin' California Burrito

Lucha Libre (address and info)
San Diego, CA
Approximate calorie count: 1,030
As a more efficient way to house calories, San Diegans roll their French fries into their burritos (more time for surfing, brah), and when the burrito is made with a 14-in tortilla, that's a lot of room for fried taters. But the space has to be shared with carne asada and shrimp, plus avocado, cheese, and pico, which works for us. But we won't be surfing to burn off this beast. Sleeping on the beach sounds better.
These SD surfers had delicious picks for the best burritos in town...

big chef tom's belly burger
Joe Starkey

2. Classic

Big Chef Tom's Belly Burgers (address and info)
San Francisco, CA
Approximate calorie count: 1,238
At any other burger joint, the "classic" order would, predictably, be a thin diner patty with melted American cheese, a dab of ketchup, a tomato slice, a bit of lettuce, and maybe a pickle. But if this classic can replace all of the old ones, it'd be a gift to America, since it's got a pork belly patty covered in equal amounts of chili pepper aioli and tomatillo relish, plus a smattering of Cotija cheese.
This place only has pork belly burgers...

ostrich egg sandwich
Anthony Humphreys

1. Ostrich Egg Breakfast Sandwich

Miller's Near & Far (address and info)
New York, NY
Approximate calorie count: 10,000
Never again can you feel guilty about that breakfast sammie that puts you back to bed (and actually makes your hangover way worse) every Saturday morning, 'cause this one's way bigger than your head, has about four times the bacon, and enough bread and cheese for two pizzas
Watch this thing get made... 

Liz Childers is an editorial assistant on Thrillist's national eat/drink team. She would like the burrito's fries as another layer for this breakfast sandwich. Please? Follow her to gluttony at @lizchilders1