Food & Drink

The week's most ridiculous eats, from a waffle ice cream sandwich to a cheesy five-patty melt

patty melt
Drew Swantak

Soon, you'll be stuffed with fun-size Snickers, Reese's Cups, and whatever else is in that pillowcase you "found" while walking through the neighborhood. But once All Hallows' is over, you're going to need more than Whoppers to recover. We've got you covered with bacon-wrapped pizza burritos, five-patty melts, and other post-party essentials. And with any luck, that kid you mugged won't recognize you in the lineup with all that extra padding.

4. Waffle Ice Cream Sandwich

Dolphin's Water Ice Factory (address and info)
Atlanta, GA
Approximate calorie count: 1,073
If you thought a Chipwich was as good as it got... well, friend, you're selling yourself short. Behold: a mountain of vanilla ice cream stuffed between two fresh, fluffy Belgian waffles, then rolled in chocolate chips. Look, Chipwiches are still damn good. But this? This is a masterpiece.
Atlanta's got lots of other new, awesomely fat dishes for you to try too...

Texas Burger
Sara Norris

3. The Texas Burger

BABS (address and info)
San Diego, CA
Approximate calorie count: 1,377
Don't mess with Texas, but DO mess with this burger, which is one of the best in SD. Taking a page from the the Jucy Lucy bible -- which has tons of greasy fingerprints on its pages -- this bunned behemoth boasts a hefty patty filled with oozy cheddar and is topped with BBQ sauce and thick-cut onion rings (plus some other things that are just too healthy for us to talk about). I guess everything really is bigger in Texas. Including everyone who eats this thing.
But save some room for all the other beautiful burgers San Diego has to offer... 

2. Bacon-Wrapped Pizza Burrito

Oh, Bite It! (info)
Approximate calorie count: 1,967
Bacon is delicious. Pizza is delicious. Burritos are delicious. And we've long dreamed of eating something that combines this Holy Trinity of gluttony. Well, every motivational speaker ever was right: dreams do come true!! Thanks to the culinary genius behind Oh, Bite It!, we now know how to roll up a frozen pizza into a burrito and wrap it in a half-pound of crispy-ass bacon. It's pretty weird that my Girl Scout troop didn't teach me to do that, but, hey, it's never too late to learn. 
We understand your serious need to make this, so have a look at the recipe...

Five-Patty "Southern-Style" Melt
Drew Swantak

1. Five-Patty "Southern-Style" Melt

Extra Fancy (address and info)
Brooklyn, NY
Approximate calorie count: 2,115
This is literally a leaning tower of patties that's eventually going to fall into your mouth/stomach/arteries. The epitome of a late-night eat, Extra Fancy serves up a whole variety of melts with different numbers of patties and add-ons. And, well, when faced with the option of adding more patties, there's really only one thing you can reasonably be expected to do: add four. Which is exactly what we did. And we got it "Southern style", which means there's pimento cheese all up in it too, along with the requisite caramelized onions and side of fresh fries. But if that's somehow too much for you (???), you can also get one with fried egg & bacon, or even lobster meat. Just promise us you'll follow your heart. While it's still working.
You're gonna wanna learn a little more about all the melts to shove in your mouth...

Rachel Freeman is a Food/Drink editorial assistant at Thrillist, and is SPOOKED by how delicious all these things sound. Follow her to Log Lady costumes at @rachelifreeman.