Food & Drink

The week's most ridiculous eats, from cheesy soup dumplings to a loaded BBQ plate

tomato soup dumpling
Drew Swantak

Halloween's only a week away, and if you're going to rock the most authentic "Naughty John Goodman" costume at the party -- and there WILL be competition -- it's crunch time. Luckily, we've got a diet plan to help you get there. It includes grilled cheese-tomato soup dumplings and a gigantic plate of BBQ. St. Louis-style BBQ. And guess what? John Goodman's from St. Louis. Your authenticity is going to win this costume contest handily.

4. Country Fried Ham Steak

Ladybird Grove & Mess Hell (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 1,478
Sure, there's your usual chicken fried steak, but it's seriously lacking in the cured pork department. In an attempt at healthfulness, this breaded and fried ham steak's topped with peppers, greens, and peanuts. More importantly, it comes with a big-ass bowl of white gravy on the side. We already know what you're going to ask, and no, we won't judge you if you take a straw to that sucker. We applaud your innovation.
Atlanta's great at deep-frying things, and we know you'd be great at eating them all...

gran daddy bbq plate
Drew Wood

3. Gran' Daddy BBQ Plate

Storrs Smokehouse (address and info)
Portland, OR
Approximate calorie count: 1,491
Choices are really hard. So don't make them. At Storrs, you don't need to. Behold, a platter with brisket, pulled pork, St. Lous-style ribs, and smoked wings with spicy maple glaze, all served with coleslaw, a pickle, and bread. If only the orange trays we used in high school looked that beautiful.
We assure you there's no shortage of killer 'cue in Portland...

2. Bacon Chicken Ranch Pizza

Wick's Pizza Parlor (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 2,930 (for a 16")
Alright, so we know this isn't the most unique thing that's ever happened to pizza and/or Fat Kid Fridays, but that doesn't mean it's not still delicious/fatty. Ranch isn't a drizzle or a dipping sauce here. It's the sauce base, laying the foundation for a pile of chicken, bacon, and melty mozzarella. This is a true Fat Kid classic. Respect your elders.
There are SO many perfect pizza shops in Louisville...

grilled cheese tomato soup dumpling
Drew Swantak

1. Grilled Cheese-Tomato Soup Dumplings

Approximate calorie count: 18,189 (for 32)
There are few better food combos in this world than a classic grilled cheese sandwich with a hot bowl of tomato soup: But man, our arms sure get tired. All that dipping? It's exhausting. We just couldn't take it anymore, and knew there had to be another way. These bready, bite-size morsels are fried up and filled with cheese & creamy tomato soup so that you get the best of both worlds in one poppable bite. Your dipping arm will thank you later.
Your childhood self would REALLY want you to make these...

Rachel Freeman is a Food/Drink editorial assistant at Thrillist, and has big plans to make those dumplings and not share a single one. Follow her to cheese greed at @rachelifreeman.