Introducing: The Five Guys Secret Menu

Five Guys just might make the best fast-food burger in the country, but beyond the straight-up offerings, we also dig the fact that they offer Pi + infinity different ways to tweak your burger, via an array of 15 totally free toppings, and other delicious shenanigans. So, we posited: why not create our own secret menu using their myriad ingredients?

For that task we brought in Food Network Star-winning chef, Do or Dine owner, and prominent Cereal podcast guest Justin Warner, who created a lineup that ranges from wild innovations to knockoffs of famous burgers across the country. Then we actually went to a Five Guys and made sure we could do all of them. Check ‘em all out here, and let us know if you’ve got your own creation to add to the menu in the comments:

What to order: Cheeseburger w/ extra cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, grilled onions. AND ALSO: mayo, relish, and ketchup, which you should mix to create the spread.
What to do: Mix up the mayo, relish, and ketchup in a ramekin to create the finest bootleg Thousand Island dressing ever. Then spread that all over everything. We asked if they would grill the patties with mustard, but they politely said no. You should still try though. Either way, you’ll feel like you’re riding a longboard in California even if you’re just very, very cold and uncomfortable in suburban Connecticut.

What to order: Two bunless little bacon cheeseburgers, a grilled cheese with bacon, and two hot dogs.
What to do: Assemble by flipping one of the bacon cheeseburgers upside down, putting the grilled cheese and hot dogs on top of that, grabbing the other bacon cheeseburger, and mashing it cheese side down on top of all that other crap. Gain at least 4lbs in one sitting, but elegantly.

What to order: Hot dog w/ pickles, tomato, relish, hot sauce, green peppers, and mustard, plus a side of Cajun seasoning.
What to do: Sprinkle that Cajun seasoning on the thing for some kick, and make a totally hilarious comment in a bad Chicago accent regarding "Da Bears."

What to order: Cheeseburger w/ extra-extra cheese, mustard, pickles, raw onions, salt and pepper, plus a hot dog with no bun.
What to do: Assemble by shoving that hot dog right into the burger. If you know the Memphis chain that does these things, then you know this will be the best and worst decision of your life, simultaneously.

What to order: Grilled cheese, with a hamburger patty on the inside.
What to do: Nothing. Well, just eat it, we guess. But they'll put that patty in there for you.

What to order: Two BLTs, and a Fatty Melt with lettuce, pickles, mustard, and mayo.  
What to do: Set up one BLT as the top bun, and the other as the bottom, with that Fatty Melt in the middle. Then make everyone around you stare with a concerned look on their face.

What to order: Bacon cheeseburger w/ jalapeños and pickles, plus mayo, ketchup, and relish on the side.
What to do: Mix up the mayo, ketchup, and relish to create your sauce, go wild, and be happy you're not on a line at Madison Square Park for three hours in January. 

What to order: Bunless hamburger, A.1. steak sauce, fries.
What to do: Throw that A.1. on top of the burger, sprinkle liberally with black pepper, say poignant things in Jean Reno’s accent from The Professional.

What to Order: Bunless hamburger in a lettuce wrap, with jalapeños & steak sauce.
What to Do: While you wait, crack a bunch of peanuts, and sprinkle those suckers on top.

What to order: Two grilled cheeses, and Cajun fries.
What to do: Assemble by stuffing the Cajun fries directly in between the two sandwiches. Praise the god of your choosing. You're going to need him.

Justin Warner is obsessed with food, cooking, and Nintendo. Follow him: @EatFellowHumans.

Ben Robinson is Thrillist's editorial director, and took a bite of every one of these except that lettuce wrap. And then three more bites of that Quintuple Down, for some reason. Follow him to the cardiologist: @BenjoRobinson.