The 5 best Amazon reviews for food and drink products
People on the Internet don't agree on much of anything, but if there's one thing that brings anonymous commenters together, it's mocking. When the Yelp community teams up for this noble goal, things usually get petty, but when the Amazon peeps join forces, the results are gold. So check out these food/drink product reviews colorfully detailing their effects on the nervous system and role in broken marriages.
Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon
When confronted with a simple gallon of whole milk, most people say "gross", or that Anchorman quote, and move on. Not the reviewers of Amazon, who latched onto Tuscan's 128oz jug with a wild zeal, offering everything from deleted soap opera scenes to this handy, homemade stain remover spin.
Dave's Ghost Pepper Naga Jolokia Hot Sauce
Icarus analogies are aplenty on the Dave's Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce page. Some accuse it of being forged in the crucible of hell, others complain of the stomach weasel side-effects, but all agree your taste buds shouldn't fly too close to this sun.
Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears
These demon gummies are the ones that make 280lb men sob and mirror colon endoscopies. But if you're looking for a pure service review, you gotta go with this guy's other suggested purchases.
Sharp, Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel)
Punmasters on this cheese wheel's page caution against accidental cuts or Pac-Man incompatibilities, but Russell Simpson takes the crown with his harrowing tale of a cheese competition nightmare.
Blue Raspberry Rock Candy Crystals
Spoiler alert for you lazy people still watching season two on Netflix: this candy looks a lot like the blue meth from Breaking Bad, and so every review is laden with obvious Jesse Pinkman quotes. Well, except for this one by G. Boettecher, who also recently purchased a fine karaoke scarf.
Kristin Hunt is a food/drink staff writer for Thrillist, and had some strong Amazon words for the final book in The Wind Singer trilogy when she was 12. Follow her at @kristin_hunt.