Sometimes when parents eat your weed, they just end up calling the beloved family cat a bitch -- profusely. Other times, they end up in the emergency room complaining of "sudden-onset insanity."
With the uptick in available, edible herb -- and a rise in mainstream marijuana use in general -- it's only inevitable that our parents will stumble upon an ill-placed brownie or an un-labeled magic cookie, and ignorantly ingest them. Or, you'll come across the classic case of a baby boomer knowingly munching an edible, without preparing themselves for the inevitable, stony bologna results. 'Sup Maureen Dowd?
We rounded up these first-hand accounts of when people's parents ate their weed. No cats were called bitches during the making of this article. Well, except for that one who kept sitting on my keyboard. But he deserved it.
The dad who was actually pretty chill and just wanted to watch LoTR
"So, I had just started smoking weed -- but hated the actual smoking part. I logged onto the early '00s internet and asked my boy Jeeves how to make weed brownies. I bought like, an ounce of brick weed from my local scumbag holed up in the parking lot of Home Depot, and one day after high school (I was a latchkey kid) went to baking my brownies, with no parental supervision for miles.
"I got it done in a couple of hours, but during that time I was smoking a lot of the weed I had left over, and when I left the brownies to cool on my counter (obviously planning on removing them before my parents came home) I passed out on front porch hammock. When I woke up, I walked into my Dad stuffing his face with the now-fully cooled brownies. I fessed up. He flipped out. However, he didn’t want my mom to find out, so he took me to see Lord of the Rings to kill time, and come down. It was probably the closest we’ve ever been, actually." -- Mya, 32, Pittsburgh, PA.
The fridge-raiding mom who ruined spring break
"I was in college, but visiting home for the weekend right before I was going on Spring Break to Panama City, Florida. My friend and I cooked up a batch of weed brownies -- and we also made some with shrooms in them, too. He’s an idiot, and left them in his fridge with a note that said 'DON’T EAT.' Obviously, his Mom thought he was just being a dick, and ate like, two or three. Unfortunately for her, she ate two weed brownies and one with shrooms.
"My friend went out for the day, and his Mom had no idea what was going on -- she was a little naive in the first place, to be honest. She ended up calling 911 because she literally thought she was going insane, all of a sudden, out of nowhere. When my buddy got home, he realized what had happened, came clean, and it was a massive shit-storm. Needless to say, he didn’t go on any trips that week. But hey, at least his mom did." -- Lloyd, 31, Baltimore, MD.
The tea incident, or how I learned to stop worrying and dose my mom with Bellinis
"When I was living at home, post-college, pre-job, all I would do is cruise job boards and smoke a ton of weed. Eventually, I got into making weed tea -- which isn’t too hard, and is just super, super relaxing. My Mom usually worked during the day at the public library. One day, as soon as I woke up, I cooked up a batch of extremely potent weed tea (I planned on watching Led Zeppelin: The Song Remains the Same and needed to get into the right mindset, of course). Unbeknownst to me, my Mom had off that day (a day of remembrance of the fourth of July! Damn you, America!) and was sleeping in while I was whipping up a batch. I left it on the stove, and my dear mother, mistaking it for a special act of son-ly goodness, drank a big steaming mug of it.
"In an effort to totally mask what I had just done, I quickly suggested we pop open a bottle of champagne, and make some brunch-time Bellinis. Never have I pressured my Mom to drink cheap champagne and peach puree so hard. But, she got pretty tipsy, and never even noticed how high she was. She kept on saying how strong the drinks were, and how nice a time she was having sitting out on our porch, drinking together and bonding. What a sweet, little, lovable lush." --Sarah, 23, Red Bank, NJ
The mom who embraced stoned-selfies
"My older brother recently gave my mom a caramel, because she’s open to experimenting with weed, and he smokes it for anxiety. The thing with my mom is that she assumes she can handle anything thrown her way. Tacked on to that, she really had NO idea what the potency of edibles are like, so she ate one and just... got weird. Like, she called me a dozen times throughout the night and kept telling me about how she kept traveling through time and space. On top of that, she made my brother come over to keep her calm and they spent the rest of the night thinking of ways to keep my Dad from finding out. But, I seriously got 20 texts about all the weird shit she thought she was seeing. A lot of selfies too, for some reason." - Jeremy 29, New York, NY
The son who had to drive to grandma's house... sober
"I was on a long road trip with my parents to my Grandma’s for Christmas, and I had a pack of hard weed candies from a dispensary in Colorado in my backpack... because that is like, the only way I could have gotten through six-plus hours in a confined space with my family. When I was in a rest stop, my brother was looking for mints inside my backpack, found my stash, and proceed to dole out my 10mg hard candies to my mother and father. No one was really mad when they found out. But, they were extremely high. I ended up being the only sober person on my trip. And obviously, I had to drive the rest of the way." -- Jeb, 24, Little Rock, AK.
The dad trying to relive his glory days, with mixed results
"Well, my then-59 year old father decided to relive his youth from the '60s and '70s on our family vacation at the beach. His vessel of choice was a pot oatmeal raisin cookie recipe, passed down from a hippie Great Uncle. I guess he thought 'what the hell?' and used his entire stash in one bash. He only made eight cookies and his stash equivalent to an intimate night with Snoop Dogg.
"So, there we were on a random Thursday night. As the house of 12 was getting ready to sit down to eat dinner he started walking around very slowly with his hands held in front of him, like Frankenstein's monster. Everyone kind of chuckled, then he sat down. My littlest cousin started singing and burped. My father started hysterically laughing for -- no joke, we timed it -- 23 minutes, uncontrollably, eyes watering, having trouble catching his breath, lobster-red face. I looked at my mom and was like, what the hell? She said he had eaten five cookies, all by himself.
"After the 23 minute laughing fit he stood up, walked to the couch, face planted (my father looks like a drill sergeant so face planting the couch was like a Redwood coming down) and hummed himself to sleep. This was at 6:00pm. He woke up at 7:00am and simply asked 'Where's breakfast.'" -- Mary, 26, Scranton, PA
Everyone is too stoney bologna, and the 92-year-old has to drive home
"I was at a family party with my Mom and Dad, who are both in their 60s. It was a pot legalization party our family threw last year in Ashland when it got legalized in Oregon. The party was at my uncles house, maybe 8 miles out of town, I was staying at a hotel in town with them. They were my ride home. We all smoke a little, they split a cookie.
"Long story short, I tell them to find me when they're leaving, and they say they're leaving at 8:30. OK, no problem. 8:30 rolls around, they're nowhere to be seen. Like, I'm roaming around this house in the middle of nowhere and I can't find them anywhere. There's no Uber out there, and my choices now are either walk home or get a ride with Grandma. Who's sober, but also 92. Grandmas boyfriend (who's 65) is also too high to drive, and neither of us know our way around Ashland. So we have to leave our lives in her brittle little hands. On the drive to the hotel she makes two wrong turns and runs two red lights, and I'm entirely too high to warn her she's about to run them. Mercifully it's rural Oregon and I make it home alive. I see Mom and Dad at breakfast the next morning at the hotel and I'm like 'Thanks for ditching me, assholes. I had to ride home with GRANDMA.' They laugh heartily and she says 'Yeah that cookie kicked in right after you talked to us, and I told Bob we needed to leave NOW. Not really sure how we got home. But looks like you survived.' Barely." -- Mark, 35, Miami, FL.
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