1:28:13: Legolas outs Strider as Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Boromir's all "Oh crap, I've been throwing shade at my friggin' king this whole time?!"
1:30:00: Boromir utters the line, "One does not simply walk into Mordor" and the group to my right (which possibly includes Laugh-Tooter) starts cracking up. I'm confused until I remember the internet meme. Methinks my neighbors may be stoned, too.
1:32:20: "And my axe!" My neighbors laugh some more. I want to know which strain they pre-funked with.
1:33:30: We make it to intermission. The crowd applauds the orchestra and the chorus. My husband and I make our own daunting journey to the bathroom, our legs as heavy as the One Ring. The edible is still going strong so I decide not to re-up with another half-wedge.
1:34:39: One of the French-horn performers cranes his neck to watch Bilbo's face turn evil as he reaches for the ring. It's the best face-change jump scare since Large Marge, and the audience gasps in jittery delight.
1:45:43 -- 1:47:45: Gimli's all "Get hyped, dudes, because my boy Balin throws the most epic house parties in Middle-earth." Unfortunately, he forgot to text his cousin ahead of time and the Fellowship realizes they're about seven years too late to the shindig. Also, everyone's dead, which is too bad because the gang brought a huge plate of calamari that's totally going to go to waste because seafood doesn't save well.
1:49:26: Frodo goes full Rockwell and Gandalf's like "Oh yeah, that Gollum is a stage-five clinger. Just ignore him for now, as he won't actually get any screen time until part two."