Never get between a football player and the buffet
"My parents owned several restaurants and a catering business when I came into the world and my mother, being the hard-working, small business-owning woman she is, continued to work right up until she went into labor.
"From time to time, they would cater meals for college athletes. At one such event for the football team, they had set out a buffet. The team STORMED the dining room and before my very pregnant mother could get out of their way, one player lifted her (and therefore me, as well) up and OVER the buffet table. Considering I was a fetus at the time, I'm not sure how big this guy was, but he was definitely big enough and tall enough to pick her up and over a table and set her down on the other side.
"I suppose the moral of the story is either: don't get between a hungry football player and the food, or be sure to wait for someone to move out of your way before crushing a buffet, depending on which side of the story you're on." -- Kerri Morgan
"You don't have to be so mean about it!"
"In college in the late '90s, I worked as a student supervisor for one of the campus cafeterias. It was a good job, except for the customers: my fellow college students.
"The ice cream machine was terrible. It would 'work' before the ice cream would freeze, which meant tons of melty ice cream leaking out of bowls everywhere. So we had extra steps to discourage ignoring out-of-order signs. We'd remove the bowls, turn the machine around backwards, and cover the toppings.
"One particularly slow day, I'm cleaning the beast of an ice cream machine and parts are all over the counter. Rags are hanging out of the machine. Bowls have been removed. A girl approaches and sees there's no bowl and turns to leave… or so I think. Instead, she goes and steals a bowl from the salad bar. She then tips up the large, heavy, not-at-all transparent cover to the toppings and reaches over the parts to the ice cream machine to add some toppings to her bowl. This still doesn’t phase me, because sadly people just get large bowls of caramel all the time. She then approaches me as I'm elbow-deep in the machine and asks, 'Is the machine working?'
"I look at her bowl, I look at the covered toppings, I look at the parts of the machine scattered over the counter, I look at my arm elbow-deep into the front of the machine, I look around to check and see if someone is peeking around a corner laughing at me, because there is no possible way. Finally, I answer, 'Uh… no?'
"'Well… you don't have to be so mean about it!' With that she huffs, turns on her heel, and storms off." -- Regina Cryner
Brent, the dining-hall tray hero
"I went to school on the East Coast and my freshman year was one of the snowiest on record. The campus was made up of big hills, so when we were walloped with our first blizzard all anyone could think of was going sledding. No one was prepared for the snow so we improvised. People brought out their laundry hampers and tried to use them with mixed success. Then our savior, Brent, appeared.
"Brent was a weird guy. He did stuff for the lulz before that was even a thing. He used to climb onto the buildings (his favorite way to get into his third-floor dorm room was to climb into the window). He would swim in the fountains, and he'd hold court with the squirrels on the green. He was a practical joker and shit stirrer, but somehow could always charm his way into places he shouldn't be.