Should you wait for a table
Dave: You know that one classic spot in your hometown or vacation town or college town? The one where people line up FOR HOURS, but everyone's happy because the brunch is SO WORTH IT? Yeah, that place is not worth it. Neither is the other place you love. In fact, I've crunched the numbers*, and I can confidently state that there's not an eggs Benedict on this green Earth that's tasty enough to merit a two-hour delay between "putting your name in" and putting your eggs in... to your mouth.
I wouldn't make a convict wait in line for brunch. It is senseless, cruel, and totally counterintuitive. Do I brunch because I'm hungover? Or am I hungover because I brunch? While you're chewing on that, chew on this: a hangover is definitely involved either way, and after a long night of boozing, the last thing I want to do is mill around on a sidewalk full of strangers and not-eat.
"If the brunch draws a big crowd, it must be popular," you retort. Well, fine. But you know what else is popular? Walmart. Basketball Wives. Wearing your cellphone on a belt holster. Nickelback, statistically speaking. Popular does not a good brunch make.
Wake up, you mouth-breathing hordes. No matter how delicious the brioche French toast is, nor how many likes you tally of it on Instagram (#uhmaze), it'll never outstrip the misery you suffered through just for the privilege of eating it. We may not agree on much, Walker, but you've gotta capitulate here: brunch-waiting sucks.
*I have not crunched the numbers.
Sarah: No need to capitulate, I’m already there. The only people who had a reason to wait in line for food were those in Communist Russia. They HAD to. We have no excuse. None! There’s always more than one brunch game in town, go to the one where you don’t have to wait in line for two hours. Unless you don’t enjoy happiness and doing things easily.
When I walk by a long line of people waiting for brunch, I don’t assume it’s because the food is fantastic. I assume that the people waiting are the type who had a single glass of red wine the night before because they read that it was good for their heart. Then they woke up at 6am in their breezy, sun-drenched apartment, so they could ride their bike to yoga. Maybe followed by a light jog. They’ve also read the entire newspaper, had a healthy snack of fruit and yogurt, and only then thought that standing in line for two hours would be a good way to meet new people! This is the type of person I both admire and loathe and someone who I will never be. I need brunch now. Not in half an hour, not in 10 minutes, now. It's an emergency situation and if we could IV the Bloody Mary into my veins, so much the better.