What you should drink
Dave: Coffee, obviously. An espresso drink if you must, but you almost never must, and this isn't Starbucks, so... grow up. If you order juice without alcohol in it, you're either my Father -- DAD? IS IT YOU? -- or just a maniac who isn't blood-related. Which brings us to le booze, which means "the booze" in French, probably. Though I'll defend its existence to the very death, I think bottomless brunch is for mouth-breathing morons and post-frat "account management specialists." In a recent study I conducted in my head just now, 10 out of 10 brunch spots confirmed that they water-down those pitchers of mimosas, Bellinis, and Bloodies. Avoid drinking the from-concentrate and order a la carte. Or just get a beer. Rosé is a total power move, especially for men, and should never be underestimated.
Sarah: I don’t know, man. I think the bottomless brunch, when done right, is a fun deal to be had. I agree that most people who frequent it are just... so annoying. And they don’t get any less annoying when they’re hammered. However, there are unicorns of places that are both chill and offer the deal, and everyone in there is like “be cool.” At these wondrous places I have personally witnessed the pitchers of mimosas being made, and they just dump a whole bottle of Champagne in and then some OJ. It’s not rocket science; it’s great science. Also, what are we even talking about? Get a damn Bloody Mary. It’s vitamins, it’s booze, it’s snacks. Why are you f*cking with anything else? It's the perfect drink. Also I'm trying to get people to call a Bloody Mary, when drunk at night, a "Sailor's Delight" so if you could do that I'd really appreciate it.