When you tell people you’re going to Red Lobster for the first time in your life, nobody talks about the lobster. They talk about the cheddar biscuits.
Having never consumed those cheddar biscuits, or anything else at a Red Lobster, ever, I found it a bit odd. Now look, I love biscuits, and would eternally swap them for regular bread even though that would lead to weird shit like biscuit bowls full of clam chowder and really tall, cylindrical grilled cheeses. I even used to frequent a restaurant -- frequently! -- just because its website was GreatBiscuits.com. But the place is not called Red Biscuit, which is a biscuit I would still gladly eat even though that name is gross. It’s called Red Lobster. And yet, no talk of the lobster.
They also told me about the shrimp. The endless shrimp. And the Shrimp Month! Which might also be endless. And then doubled back on the cheddar biscuits. What in the hell was the deal with this place? Why was it nothing like I was picturing?
For reference, here’s what I was picturing: plastic bibs on everyone. Wooden picnic tables. Other tables made of dinghies with real barnacles on them. Or maybe you sit in those, instead of booths. Definitely fake sand. Do they even make fake sand? Probably not. So, more like real sand, which just seems fake, since it’s not supposed to be there, in a restaurant. A creaky rental stand for those big rubber wader pants lobstermen wear. Maybe there’s a guy doo-doo-dooing around in a lobster mascot costume that the kids love to take pictures with. Soda fountains that only shoot out butter.
This is also worth mentioning: despite legitimately picturing Red Lobster as all of those things, I was going there on a date.