Aside from Paula Deen alone in a windowless room with a stick of butter, there is nothing more ignominious and savage in the food landscape than the dine and dash. You should never, ever dine and dash. Nobody should ever dine and dash. Your resultant restaurant karma will ensure that all the pubes end up in your pot pies, forever.
Now that that’s clear: here’s exactly how to do it.
As a former server, I’ve had a chance to dig deep inside the minds of dine-and-dashers. My step-by-step process will make your dining-and-dashing experience as much of an enriching one as possible.
Step one: Properly prepare yourself for the dine and dash
Like any other demanding task, a lot of your success here rests on prep work. You’re going to want to show up during the biggest rush possible and make sure you’re not part of a large party (where it’s harder to make an unobtrusive exit at the end), but also, you need to get yourself in the right mindset for your dining-and-dashing experience. Doing something cruel to an endangered species -- say, front-kicking an Indus River dolphin -- in the days leading up to the event will help put you in the proper frame of mind. Determine whether there’s an orphanage on the route from your house to the restaurant; if so, swing by and light the kitchen gruel-grease on fire on your way to your delicious free meal.