So you lost a bar fight, and you've got the black-and-blue eye to prove it. Maybe if your parents had loved you more and taught you how to defend yourself, then you wouldn't be in this situation. But while your pride heals and you watch YouTube videos about how to punch someone, you can at least start improving your face by icing that swollen sucker down. And if you can't find an ice pack, may we suggest these alternatives, straight from the fridge/freezer.
Timothy DeLaGhetto and David So Light Up Houston's Hops n' Hot Sauce Festival
It's the original for a reason. Raw beef is cool, pliable, and occupies your mind with thoughts of sizzling meat while you're still reeling from that right hook.
If you don't have any ribeyes lying around, this'll do. Sausage and turkey patties are also acceptable. Veggie patties are weird, though, and may explain why you have that black eye in the first place.
An Uncrustables sandwich
Was this a playground fight and your mom is icing your black eye for you?
Another classic. But contrary to what this photo implies, you should use the whole bag, not individual peas.
Frozen, grosser vegetables
Unlike the peas, there's no chance you're eating those lima beans or the bag of frozen sliced beets your grandma brought when she visited. Might as well put 'em to use.
You could even break up a Mini and place it over your eye socket. It’s like putting cucumbers over your eyes at a spa! But better. Because it's a waffle.
Same concept as the waffle, only now you’ve got a tiny, perfectly sized pocket of meat resting comfortably on your eyeball.
That chicken alfredo "skillet starter" you just found in the back of your freezer
It's been there since before you moved in. This is the only safe application.
Kristin Hunt is a staff writer for Thrillist. She is extremely accident-prone, but miraculously, has never gotten a black eye. Follow her at @kristin_hunt.