If all else fails: start drinking
By now, you are probably swapping sour cream kisses with your beautiful queen of Mexican-American cuisine. Congratulations! The system worked, because it's basically foolproof. But if you still haven't closed the deal over your high-caloric meal, worry not! You've got the trump card. Say it with me now:
"I'll have a beer."
That's right, my dear Pollo Suave, there's hope for you yet, because most Chipotle locations sell booze. You probably never noticed it before, because you're a productive member of society. Or maybe it's just that you're not as perceptive as I. Or because you think it would be "out of place" or "concerning to the point of someone on staff maybe talking to you because, uh, sir, you've been pounding beers in the corner for like a couple hours now... sir?" to drink in a Chipotle.
I may not know much, my dear, love-starved disciples. But I know one thing: there's absolutely nothing wrong with tipping a few back inside your local Chipotle while you wait for the romantic scene to marinate. Nothing at all. In fact, it only helps your odds with the ladies.
Still don't believe me? Well, let's put it this way: I don't call myself Pollo Suave quietly under my breath while weeping quietly in the back of a rented utility van for nothing. Oh hell yeah: you know what I'm talkin' about.
Dave Infante is a senior writer for Thrillist. His girlfriend continues to be a saint for putting up with him. They did not meet at Chipotle. Follow @dinfontay on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat.