Food & Drink

How to definitely pick up a girl at Whole Foods

All photos by Anthony Humphreys<br>

According to this very sentence, Whole Foods is the ideal place to pick up a classy lady who shares your burning passion for good food, great drink, and "getting you laid". To help you find love in those hallowed, kale-stocked canyons, I took to the field of play, spending a whole morning hitting on the beautiful, wholesome female customers of my local Whole Foods. It went well... ish. Here’s what I learned:

Dress for success

To lock-in the yuppie-tryst of your dreams, you'll need to nail your outfit before the store. In a study that totally maybe happened, women of Whole Foods reported high levels of attraction to post-hipster consultant types who obscure their identities with clothing (roll over the numbers below to learn how to achieve said look). Don't let them down! Continue Reading

0. Work-in-progress mustache

Why: You're spontaneous! You've got a sense of humor! You drench yourself in bottom-shelf bourbon and yell "MURICA" at cabbies! You're the whole enchilada for Whole Foods' eligible ladies, right?! Work-in-progress mustache

1. Big shades

Why: If a man inappropriately ogles in a Whole Foods aisle, and no one can see his eyes, is it really inappropriate? (Most likely! But let it ride!) Big shades

2. Baseball hat

Why: 10 out of 10 women prefer men with hair, probably. If you're not one of 'em, be considerate by covering that baldspot under a hat. Baseball hat

3. High-collared jacket

Why: The key to supermarket seduction is intrigue, and the key to intrigue is looking like a mugger, obviously. Try to keep up. High-collared jacket Work-in-progress mustache Why: You're spontaneous! You've got a sense of humor! You drench yourself in bottom-shelf bourbon and yell "MURICA" at cabbies! You're the whole enchilada for Whole Foods' eligible ladies, right?! Big shades Why: If a man inappropriately ogles in a Whole Foods aisle, and no one can see his eyes, is it really inappropriate? (Most likely! But let it ride!) Baseball hat Why: 10 out of 10 women prefer men with hair, probably. If you're not one of 'em, be considerate by covering that baldspot under a hat. High-collared jacket Why: The key to supermarket seduction is intrigue, and the key to intrigue is looking like a mugger, obviously. Try to keep up.

Identify subtle tells

You don't actually have to own "lulus" to appreciate the cultural importance of their magnificent stretchy pants, but if you're mindful of popular logos found in Whole Foods, you'll always have a conversation starter. To give myself an edge, I memorized the labels & looks of the following lady-beloved items:

lululemon
Blue Diamond almond milk
kale
Fitbit
yoga mats
gorgeous heirloom tomatoes
Skechers Shape-ups

No cart? Ain't winning her heart.

You've gotta come across as "normal" in these early stages of environmentally-conscious courtship. Wandering cartlessly through the dairy section looking for a beautiful woman to seduce with lactose jokes? Not "normal". But fill a cart/basket with suggestive Whole Foods products (pre-natal vitamins, potency serums, massage oils...), and boom! Now you seem like any other non-threatening customer -- one who's clearly good at sex. Probably.

The plan must be hormone-free

It's 2014. The meet-cute got divorced and now lives in a raised ranch outside of Carson City, NV. To successfully scoop someone from these privileged aisles, you'll need to plot for maximum exposure (Tinder!) while maintaining emotional distance (Tinder!). Also: Whole Foods requires having pants on (alright, maybe not Tinder).

Stay focused on Whole Foods' free-range, gluten-free, and hormone-free romance zones with this handy interactive heatmap:

Jennifer Bui
0. Prepared Food Follies

Pick-up rating: 4.5 She’s probably buying that turkey burger and overpriced pilaf because she’s starving. Your advances may be poorly timed. Prepared Food Follies

1. Sample Islands

Pick-up rating: 7 These freestanding Jarlsberg oases draw essential foot traffic. Post up nearby and wait for the right moment to strike. (But be less predatory than that last sentence sounds.) Sample Islands

2. Checkout Alley

Pick-up rating: 8.5 Offer your beloved a subtle back-cut to let her know you’re picking up what she's putting down. Pretend you always have a reusable bag, but just forgot it today. Checkout Alley

3. The Butcher (C*ck) Block

Pick-up rating: 4 Red is the color of visceral love, but unless she’s an alarmingly fierce Game of Thrones fan, cleaved flesh probably ain’t her aphrodisiac of choice. The Butcher (C*ck) Block

4. Ye Aisles of Ardor

Pick-up rating: 6 The long rows allow for you to try out multiple lines on your prospective mate. Remember to use the crown-end displays to shock & excite. Ye Aisles of Ardor

5. Produce Promenade

Pick-up rating: 8 Full of suggestively shaped fruits & vegetables, this open-air section is ideal for small talk. Produce Promenade

6. Sexytime Soups

Pick-up rating: 9.75 Sorry, Edible Arrangements — soup is the sexiest food there is, probably. Grab a cup and watch that ladle. Sexytime Soups

7. No Fun Fish Counter

Pick-up rating: 3 In Roman mythology, Neptune had terrible luck with women. No Fun Fish Counter Prepared Food Follies Pick-up rating: 4.5 She’s probably buying that turkey burger and overpriced pilaf because she’s starving. Your advances may be poorly timed. Sample Islands Pick-up rating: 7 These freestanding Jarlsberg oases draw essential foot traffic. Post up nearby and wait for the right moment to strike. (But be less predatory than that last sentence sounds.) Checkout Alley Pick-up rating: 8.5 Offer your beloved a subtle back-cut to let her know you’re picking up what she's putting down. Pretend you always have a reusable bag, but just forgot it today. The Butcher (C*ck) Block Pick-up rating: 4 Red is the color of visceral love, but unless she’s an alarmingly fierce Game of Thrones fan, cleaved flesh probably ain’t her aphrodisiac of choice. Ye Aisles of Ardor Pick-up rating: 6 The long rows allow for you to try out multiple lines on your prospective mate. Remember to use the crown-end displays to shock & excite. Produce Promenade Pick-up rating: 8 Full of suggestively shaped fruits & vegetables, this open-air section is ideal for small talk. Sexytime Soups Pick-up rating: 9.75 Sorry, Edible Arrangements — soup is the sexiest food there is, probably. Grab a cup and watch that ladle. No Fun Fish Counter Pick-up rating: 3 In Roman mythology, Neptune had terrible luck with women.

Hand-curate farm-fresh innuendo

Fact: LL Cool J's name actually stands for "Ladies Love Cool Jokes" (EDITOR'S NOTE: that's not right). Fact: When at Whole Foods, ladies are shopping for food. Conclusion: Stockpile flirtatious, food-focused fire to knock all the mamas out.

I field-tested some especially saucy lines using real Whole Foods products to get you started.
Above: "That fiber will keep you regular, girl, but I'll make your night extraordinary." Result: Overwhelmed with ardor, she dropped the flax cereal and fled.

Hard to get, m'lady? By all means. I've got more...

"Is it hot in here, or is it just me offering you this meat stick while leering sensually?"

"Me, and this bottle of olive oil: only one of them is a virgin. And it is the olive oil. I've had sex."

"I know my way around cantaloupes, if you know what I mean. No? Um, like... melons. Look where I'm holding them. Do you ge-- yeah, so like boobs."

Approach organically

Like sun-kissed spaghetti squash from a local rooftop garden, your Whole Foods come-on should be firm, organic, and totally void of pesticides. Use your surroundings to your advantage!

Here, I established an element of irresistible surprise by popping my head through a display of artisanal applesauce and demanding to get drinks later.

Teeming with line-caught hake and uncomfortable implications about a woman's reproductive organs, the fish market is not ideal for propositioning. If necessity requires it, locate the crab cakes and hope for the best.

The soup station is awash in opportunities for romantic encounters, especially during the Winter months. To find your queen of the tureen, lurk 5-7ft away from the chicken noodle holding an empty cup. Each time a prospective lover grabs the ladle, close in as though you, too, are only here for the soup. Repeat as needed.

Shoppers who buy egregiously priced prepared foods here are either wealthy dinner-party-hosting couples like Charlotte & Trey from seasons 3-5 of Sex and the City, or hungry. Unless she's standing next to Kyle MacLachlan and prattling about Elizabeth Taylor, she's the latter. Your tender words will fall on deaf ears here.

Channel the raw Mediterranean gusto of Whole Foods' assorted olives bar by emerging from below. Though a tricky maneuver, when executed properly, your odds of scaring her into agreeing to meet up for coffee later can climb as high as 75%.*

*Though I was completing this move flawlessly, I found that the chances she'd subsequently stand me up hovered near 100%.

If for some inexplicable reason none of these tips have landed you the Whole Foods catch of your dreams, worry not! The chase is still alive. Or it will be, once you learn how to deploy the Whole Foods Wink. To execute:

Step 1: Inch your shades down, James Lipton-style, to reveal your eyes. This demonstrates an adorable vulnerability, and will also help you not bump into stuff. If possible, ensure your eyes are bloodshot -- women love that, I think.

Step 2: With the fluid grace of an Irishman pulling a Guinness, initiate your wink. The key is to get one eye fully closed, while flaring your nostrils as much as possible. Don't breathe. Bonus: open your mouth to showcase your not-bad dental hygiene!

Step 3: Squint both eyes and purse your lips. If you've stuck the landing, you'll look like a skeptical, mustachio'd Larry David. Once, my roommate made out with someone at a Reddit meet-up for Curb Your Enthusiasm fans. So yeah: this face is basically pure sex appeal, from what I can gather.

Conclusion

I did not take anybody home from Whole Foods. I know, I know -- I was surprised, too. But my Foolproof Whole Foods Pick-Up System (patent-pending) has foolproof in the name, so I have no doubt it will work for you.

Dave Infante is a senior writer for Thrillist who shops at Key Foods and has a girlfriend who is NOT pleased about this article. Criticize his institutionalized gender bias on Twitter at @dinfontay.