Tip #2: The Number Cruncher
This one’s simple: when the check comes, get out your phone and start punching away at the screen, scratching your head. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just can’t figure this sucker out," you'll say. "Let’s see -- the total is $24.98, and the tip should be AT LEAST 20% of that, so, that's -- $5? Can I just see yours?" Then reach across the table for their receipt and watch their face turn firetruck red as they furiously scratch out totals.
Tip #3: The Bad Date
Start by asking your buddy about his single worst dating experience. Let them finish the horror story and be sure to seem particularly engaged throughout their rambling so they won’t suspect your motives. But when it comes time to share yours, leave nothing up to the imagination. "First of all, she looked absolutely nothing like her photos," you say, leaning in for emphasis, really drawing it out. "Which is, you know, to be expected, but man, I never realized how far a good filter could go. Then, between constant trips to the bathroom, this girl talks for an hour about how she and her ex adopted all these stray cats together and how her apartment reeks of piss now." Add as many details as you want -- the more terrifying, the better. Then, just when he thinks it can't possibly get any uglier, drop the closer: "And you know what the worst part was, after all of that? She demanded we split the tab, and then she only left the bartender 10%! Some people, am I right?”