You know that feeling when you finish watching First Wives Club and your girlfriend walks in out of nowhere, and you tell her you were only crying because you were chopping onions, and then she asks you where the onions are and you tell her you have to go return some video tapes, and then you leave your house and never come back?
Um, yeah, me neither. But for those who do regularly employ this excuse, I have some bad news: it's possible to slice an onion without releasing the peeper-irritating sulfuric acid (propanethial S-oxide).
There are plenty of myths, legends, and old wives' tales out there about how to cease the flow of onion-induced tears, so I tried 'em all -- using a white, yellow, and red onion -- to determine the best ways to keep tears locked deep, deep inside the recesses of my soul, like a real man. I did a controlled test first, without any preventative measures, and spoiler alert: it stung the shit out of my eyes.