Last night, E! aired the True Hollywood Story of human cartoon Paula Deen, a woman who's fried butter and oil on the Food Network for years but has notably never been considered a Hollywood insider (though E! did dig up her movie cameo with Orlando "Prince of Tinseltown" Bloom). The hour-long saga covered everything from Deen's days as just a lil' butter-lover to her grammatically glorious cry-confession on The Today Show earlier this year. We watched the whole thing -- and liveblogged it -- so you don't have to. Ever. Brace yourself for a whole lotta jumbled vowels.
Right out of the gate, we have archive footage of Paula sporting the most entrancing denim vest & helmet hair combo the cooking show world (or perhaps any world) has ever seen.
00:25 And now she's ladling soup into her mouth in the same outfit. It. Is. Beautiful.
00:35 "I is what I is. And I'm not changing." Please please please let this thing just be an hour-long sizzle reel.
2:15 After a whirlwind tour of her childhood, we're talking Paula's high school years. "Academically, I'm seeing she might have fallen short there. But she looked like a young Elizabeth Taylor." - Aunt Peggy
3:13 The sad story of Paula's parents' deaths is underscored with an awesome vintage shot of Paula and her brother Bubba doing their best backwater Donny & Marie Osmond.
4:50 Paula's son Bobby Deen makes a culturally insightful remark about the family's move from Albany to Savannah: "I'd never been to Savannah. It might as well have been China".
8:50 Is that you, drunk Roseanne?
9:15 The introduction of The Bag Lady, a wonderful "ideer" Paula cooked up (hahaha) that served as her first business venture. Basically, she made lunches for business people and had her sons deliver them. Oh, excuse us -- she "pimped her sons out". The deadness in Bobby's eyes finally makes sense.
Tearful moment when Jamie recalls the time during the busy Bag Lady days when his mother said she hated him. To be fair, Jamie was probably being a real tool.
14:30 Coming up: Paula screams, "It'll make your tongue wanna slap your brains out!"
18:09 Paula's eventual show producer Gordon Elliott recounts their first meeting. Like most of the country, he didn't believe she was real.
20:36 A heartwarming twist: Paula's dogs play matchmaker when they run into her neighbor Michael Groover's yard and romantically poo all over it, sparking a fairytale courtship.
21:58 America was apparently "not ready" for authentic Southern cooking in 2001, but Paula did a show about it anyway. Because that's who she is.
22:30 THE VEST IS BACK. AND IT'S IN A THANKSGIVING EPISODE.
Gordon Elliott is making some point about storytelling in which he uses an example of "the time grannie fell in the fire" and then served cake. Concern for Gordon Elliott's fire marshal skills (and grandmother) is at a fever pitch.
23:41 First stick of butter reference. Drink.
24:55 Paula officially gets remarried. Her sons are psyched she's happy, but mostly stoked they don't have to invite their lame, sad mom to dinner anymore. High five!
28:31 Now we're talking Paula Deen's "movie star" turn in the smash movie no one has stopped talking about since it rocked our senses in '05, Elizabethtown. (Paula spotting at 0:50, y'all.)
31:12 Paula's friend Bubbles weighs in, finally.
32:16 The diabetes bomb drops. We now see a clip of her measuring out "one tablespoon of butter" on her show, which is really half a stick of butter, followed swiftly by a man saying it was like watching an alcoholic drink herself to death. This shiz is getting DARK.
34:16 Game changer: Paula gives up sweet tea.
34:32 "Mom doesn't eat butter out of the wrapper... at the house."
38:40 Time to cringe and awe as Paula screws the pooch on her harassment lawsuit deposition by going rogue-racist.
40:20 Commentator says Twitter now believed there was something "blubbery or bleeding in the water". Unclear what any of those words mean in or out of context.
Coming up: Matt Lauer lays down some "Are you a racist?" realness in the Paula apology tour.
47:10 PAULA AND JIMMY CARTER ARE FRIENDS. WHAT IS THIS?!
49:15 Gordon Elliott breaks down the Matt Lauer interview with some highly impressive Fosse hands.
51:35 Bubbles is back. Thank God.
55:41 Noooo, Bubbles is crying. Don't cry, Bubbles! Where are those deadbeat sisters of hers, Buttercup and Blossom?
57:20 Anthony Bourdain: "She will always have an audience. I won't be in it, but she will always have one." Oh Tony, you zing king.
1:00:11 America's poet laureate, Jamie Deen, closes things out with a convoluted quote about how Paula will be cooking until she goes to heaven, and when she goes to heaven, it'll taste better. God bless America. Peace and butter. Elizabethtown. The end.