North Dakota critic Marilyn Hagerty has been delighting us with her earnest, unreal reviews of Olive Garden and McDonald's for years now, and it's high time some other local papers pitched in. Admirably stepping up to the plate is Lexington, North Carolina's The Dispatch with a hot dog love letter penned by Page H. Onorato titled, "Hot Dogs I Have Known and Loved."
While much of the piece is devoted to relevant hot dog history, Onorato gets plenty of personal insight in. Right out of the gate, we're treated to this thesis statement: "I have a love-hate relationship with hot dogs. When I get the urge for one, nothing else will do. But just one hot dog is more like a snack than a real meal, and two of them is one too many."
The harrowing tale of Scott's 9th birthday party, where Onorato consumed six franks and then swore them off for 10 years, is then detailed. There's also a long list of incredible hot dog synonyms, including "tube steaks" and "dachshund sandwiches." Really, the whole thing is pure love, and it's just the thing your Saturday needs, so head over to The Dispatch website to bask in Onorato's prose.
Kristin Hunt is a Food/Drink staff writer for Thrillist, and actually has a friend who might love hot dogs more than Page H. Onorato. Follow her at @kristin_hunt.