All 20 McDonald's Breakfast Items, Ranked
Ever since McDonald's allowed its flood of breakfast foods to flow at any time, day or night, I've been indulging in the McMost Important Meal of the Day more than ever, especially when it's too early for a McGangBang.
In light of these recent events, I decided to buy the entire breakfast menu (quizzical looks from the cashiers be damned!) and rank them all, in a scientific and studious manner. You don't need me to tell you most of this stuff is damn good, but you do need me to tell you which one is the best.
20. Sausage burrito
Graciously provided with two (!) packets of Picante Mild McSalsa.
19. Egg White Delight McMuffin
This mix of egg white, Canadian bacon, and white cheddar was probably only coined a "delight" because "Attempt at Appealing to People Who Care About Their Daily Calorie Intake" doesn't rhyme with anything. You're at McDonald's! Just go for it. And remember: there's a direct correlation between things that are bad for you and things that taste good.
18. Bacon, egg & cheese bagel
As a New York person, I take my bagels seriously. I've actually maimed a man for asking me if I want it toasted (I don't), and I avoided jail time because everyone agreed it was just cause. The BEC portion of this sandwich is fine, but the bagel falls a little flat. It's not horrible, I'm just used to so much more.
17. Sausage McMuffin
Let's admit it -- though the McMuffin is a classic, it clearly has the weakest of all the bun options outside the bagel. The take on the English muffin isn't bad, per se, but it's not as good as the other varieties available. You can get the same stuff on a better bun. A bare sausage patty with a slice of cheese isn't enough to buoy this sandwich.
16. Egg McMuffin
See above, but sub in Canadian bacon.
15. Sausage McMuffin with egg
Again, just re-read #17, without the last sentence.
Hotcakes are just another name for pancakes, which is just another name for "Paul Bunyan's Flamin' Bread Discs" -- which I'm told was their original name. These pancakes are pretty damn good. They are fluffy, maybe a little chewy, and don't even get that soggy in their container. One complaint: the provided maple syrup is a little too saccharine for my 'buds. Both taste, and companions.
13. Hotcakes with sausage
It's everything you loved about #14, with a big ole slab of juicy sausage in the mix. When you add sausage to anything, 90% of the time it's better every time. Except for milkshakes. Trust me.
12. Sausage biscuit
The simplistic beauty of this sandwich is worth a soliloquy, but since my space is limited, I'll settle for a haiku.
Sausage and biscuit
Both taste so good on their own
11. Sausage biscuit with egg
One more haiku:
Now comes with egg, too
Surprise! It's even better!
Please change my order
10. Fruit & maple oatmeal
As someone who doesn't even like oatmeal, I was fully prepared to hate this McOatmeal with a layer of fruit on top. But this was weirdly satisfying. The apples were fresh. The maple flavoring was just the right amount of... um... maple syrupy. Honestly, it may be the best oatmeal I've ever had. This guy's coy smile is hiding his blinding rage right now.
9. Sausage McGriddles
This will become obvious in due time, but I consider the McGriddles' pancake base to be one of the optimum bun experiences at Micky D's. The sausage -- smoky, with great consistency -- holds its own, too. The sweet maple griddle and the savory sausage patty come together to make this the best fast-food combo since the Taco Bell chihuahua and Dave Thomas got married. That happened, right?
8. Yogurt parfait
I know it might violate fast-food sacrosanct to include anything with the word "parfait" in the top 10, but this, even more so than the oatmeal, was a jarring surprise for me. Again, I don't even like yogurt. But if that's your thing for breakfast, and you are always super late like I am, grabbing this yogurt parfait full of somehow-not-terrible fruit is a big win. The yogurt itself is pseudo-vanilla, and comes with a lil' pack of McGranola to scatter as you wish.
7. Big Breakfast
It's egg, sausage, hash browns, and a golden-brown, flaky biscuit. It's Walt Jr.'s wet dream made into a juicy reality.
6. Sausage, egg & cheese McGriddles
We are now entering steamy sausage McGriddles zone. The maple, egg, and sausage flavor is a nice combo... but it's not the best use of the McGriddles format. Still, the smoky flavor of the sausage pairs well with the maple overtones, and the folds of egg and cheese cling to either side of the sausage patty like delicious, caloric bookends.
5. Big Breakfast with hotcakes
If your Big Breakfast doesn't come packing a (very) short stack of flapjacks, are you even eating a big breakfast at all?? No, but really -- now that hotcakes are thrown in the mix, I'm fairly sure all major food groups (egg, meat, biscuit, and flapjack) are represented here. The eggs are a little coagulated and wavy (seriously, they are wavy, that's the only way to describe them), but the biscuit, sausage slice, and hotcakes are on point, as always.
4. Bacon, egg & cheese McGriddles
With its syrup-infused mini-pancake griddle buns, this sandwich is like the bacon, egg & cheese McMuffin's hard-partying, experimental cousin -- a lot of fun and really sweet, but spending time with it may leave you with nothing but hazy memories and a lingering stomachache.
3. Steak, egg & cheese biscuit
This one snuck up on me and steak doesn't usually do that, probably because its an inanimate meat. But this little breakfast burger came out of anonymity (I had never had it, or heard of it) to rank big. It has grilled onions, American cheese, and a little burger patty that kind of tastes like a denser sausage with a little more bite. The onions topped the whole thing off, and even though your breath will definitely smell for the rest of your day and possibly the rest of your life, you will live with no regrets.
2. Hash browns
Golden, greasy, flaky, and underappreciated. This was my nickname in high school, and an apt way to describe the McDonald's hash brown. I know these are included in the Big Breakfast, but they deserve to stand alone. In terms of pure taste, overall quality, and universal likability, nothing can touch the hash. The consistency is... you know what? You know what these taste like. You know why they deserve to be #2. The only drawback is that they are a little too meager to be considered a true breakfast on their own, and they are mostly relegated to a much appreciated sidekick role. Oh, and your hand will definitely be covered in a glove of grease when you are finished.
1. Bacon, egg & cheese biscuit
If the BEC McGriddle is the wild cousin of the BEC McMuffin, the bacon, egg & cheese biscuit is that girl next door you always knew you would marry. She's the Topanga of breakfast sandwiches. The biscuit is the best bun Micky D's has. The bacon tastes like bacon that was also infused with bacon flavoring -- just to be safe. The eggs are a delightful two folds, and the layer of cheese adds enough excess to make this thing really sing. If you have one choice at the breakfast menu, make it this one. Or don't. I'm an Internet writer, not the cops.
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Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Thrillist. He ate so much today. Follow him: @wilfulton.