Two hours and a bottle of whiskey later the Shed walks to the award ceremony. Thousands of people eagerly await the announcement of the winners. The team is already shut-out of the Anything But categories, at this point the Kingsford and Top 10 are their only chances to walk the stage.
The announcer is a Troy McClure stand-in from News 13, who wears exceptionally bulgy Wranglers. His raspy voice rattles through bad one-liners with relentless confidence. Big Bob Gibson Bar-B-Q is announced as winner of the Kingsford Invitational. Momma Shed and I lock eyes with a look of distress.
10 Bones BBQ is announced in fourth place, and the Shed's shoulders collectively sink an inch. 10 Bones thanks Cattlemen's BBQ Sauce (they double your prize money!) and launch into an emotional acceptance speech, but there's unrest in the crowd. The announcer was supposed to name the top 10 teams. A staffer alerts Troy McClure that he must indeed read five more names, now with the weight of having revealed the fourth-place finisher.
10th is Whole Hog Cafe. They take entirely too long to make it to the stage. 9th is the Shed's dastardly neighbors Jack's Old South. The announcer mistakenly introduces Myron as Jack, and the ShedHeds chuckle. 8th is Victory Lane. 7th is Will-Be-Que. 6th is Dixie Que.
Based on the announcer's gaff, the only way the Shed can walk the stage is if they make fifth. The air is thicker than inside that Willys Jeep.
“And now in fifth place, whole-hog division, a team whose name I've called a lot this weekend. We've heard their name a ton of times...”
The team is distraught. The Shed name had been uttered exactly as many times as I'd eaten a vegetable. Not once.
“Here are your fifth-place winners.... THE SHED!”