Food & Drink

Fat Kid Fridays, Mother's Day edition: The most ridiculous brunch foods, ranked by calorie count

It's Mother's Day this weekend. If you're still reading and didn't just run to get a card that can be rush delivered, there's a solid chance you'll be going through the sophisticated, peaceful family brunch this Sunday. Remember: this is totally different than your typical routine, so while you're ordering something boring like eggs & toast, and slowly sipping your one watered-down mimosa, you can think back on our most ridiculous breakfast feasts. Like a housemade chorizo-stuffed torta (with a side of chips, obviously) and a bowl of gravy just waiting to be sopped up with biscuits.

5. Biscuits and Sausage Gravy
Norma's Cafe (Dallas, TX)
Approximate calorie count: 940
Biscuits and gravy are a classic, but half the time they're nothing more than white gravy with a hint of sausage flavor. Norma -- with her matriarchal name and all -- does the dish proper, serving up a huge bowl of gravy with chunks of sausage adding bulk, to both the gravy and to Mom.
Dallas has an absurd biscuits and gravy line-up...

4. Chorizo & Eggs
Southport Grocery & Cafe (Chicago, IL)
Approximate calorie count: 1,029
Something about a fluffy mountain of scrambled eggs makes this look like a sensible, low-cal option. But the eggs are hiding something more sinister and delicious: fatty, delicious, housemade chorizo, a ton of thick tortilla chips, cheese, and sour cream. It's kind of like breakfast nachos, which we're sure Taco Bell is planning for the future.
Chicago also has chocolate waffles...

bronwyn schnitzel and biscuits
Jacqueline Dole

3. Schnitzel & Biscuits
Bronwyn (Somerville, MA)
Approximate calorie count: 1,253
A regular chicken biscuit is good and all. But this German beer hall is striving for greatness in the form of a pork schnitzel biscuit (a schnitzcuit?!). That's right -- it's a deep-fried, gravy-soaked pork cutlet inside the buttery biscuit. Plus potatoes, in case you're running a marathon and need more carbs. Or a nap.
This German beer garden also cures its own bacon, obviously...

torta chorizo eggs
Jeff Miller

2. Torta de Chorizo con Huevos with chips
Mercado (Los Angeles, CA)
Approximate calorie count: 1,380
This breakfast sandwich is trying its hardest to put that other chorizo dish to shame by scrambling the sausage and eggs together into an extra-thick slab that's paired with avocado between two wedges of torta bread. Plus, there's a side of chips for crunch. And excess.
Mercado also has chipotle Bloodys and guava mimosas...

1. Country-fried Pork Bowl
The Albert (Atlanta, GA)
Approximate calorie count: 1,320
Get a little bit of that smoky bacon jam on top, scoop some silky yolk up with a slice of country-fried pork cutlet, and top with a cheesy dab of grits, and you've successfully eaten a large portion of the Southern diet all in one bite. Mom would be so proud.
Pace yourself: the rest of the menu is just as loaded... 

Liz Childers is an editorial assistant on Thrillist's national food and drink team, and would like one of each of the above, please. To split with her Mom, of course. Follow her to deep-fried Mother's Day salutations at @lizchilders1