Because of, um, journalism, we asked one of our Eat/Drink editors to taste test all of Sonic's 25 Summer shakes and give his opinions. Yes, we literally paid a guy to drink milkshakes. So see what happens when he consumes all 25 of their tasty frozen concoctions, complete with tasting notes. Nothing could possibly go wrong!
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 1 Shake: Strawberry Taste: Notes of vanilla ice cream. Refreshing. How You Feel?: Feelin' great. Lovin' life. I can't believe I'm getting paid to do this! This shake and myself are number one!
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 2 Shake: Chocolate Taste: Tastes similar to another popular fast food chain's famous chocolate shake. Smooth. Simple. How You Feel?: Hella good. I could take the SATs right now while using a Stairmaster.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 3 Shake: Cherry Taste: Like a cherry limeade got dosed with cream. How You Feel?: Like I jumped into a pool filled with milkshakes in heaven.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 4 Shake: Peanut Butter Cookie Taste: Similar to a Nutter Butter. Has a crunch to it, probably owing to the fact that it's made with actual cookies. How You Feel?: Like a million Euros, since those are worth more than dollars according to the Economist magazine that I totally read every week.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 5 Shake: Pineapple Taste: They use real fruit, so you get nice, big chunks of pineapple in this bad boy. Refreshing and sweet. How You Feel?: Like a milkshake is high-fiving my mouth.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 6 Shake: Coconut Cream Pie Taste: That graham cracker crumb on top is mad tasty. Even good for those who don't like coconut. How You Feel?: Stop asking me. I feel good, ok?
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 7 Shake: Strawberry Cheesecake Taste: Nice vanilla notes. Similar to eating a blended cheesecake through a straw. How You Feel?: Call me Kanye, because I'm livin' the good life. And just to clarify, I'm talking Kanye pre-Kardashian, but post- getting-in-that-accident-where-they-wired-his-jaw-shut-and-he-could-only-eat-milkshakes.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 8 Shake: Hot Fudge Taste: Getting some serious homemade chocolate milk vibes. How You Feel?: I wish everyone from high school could see how happy I am right now.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 9 Shake: Banana Taste: Fresh banana chunks dominate this baby. You can tell they're not using artificial junk in it. How You Feel?: Come Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana. Daylight come, and me wan' go back to Sonic and eat more of these damn milkshakes.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 10 Shake: Oreo Cheesecake Taste: Definite lemon notes. The Oreo cookie chunks and the graham cracker crumbs on top play off each other beautifully. How You Feel?: Can't complain. These next 15 shakes are gonna be a breeze.
Gratuitous Shake Shot Intermission. OK, back to trying them all!
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 11 Shake: Caramel Taste: Vanilla with a hint of caramel. Not overpowering. How You Feel?: Like I just ate a bunch of sugar packets! I'm getting some great ideas about the world! Everything is connected!
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 12 Shake: Banana Cream Pie Taste: Banana flavor up front followed by a strong coconut finish. How You Feel?: Did I just say finish (Sigh)? I might need a little bit of a break soon.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 13 Shake: Peanut Butter Bacon Taste: Sweet and salty flavors combine for a tasty treat. Loving that it has actual bacon in it. How You Feel?: I've felt better. I've felt worse.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 14 Shake: Peanut Butter Fudge Taste: A strong peanut buttery base mixed with chocolate. How You Feel?: Maybe after this one I'll hit my second wind.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 15 Shake: Vanilla Taste: Classic vanilla taste. The name says it all. How You Feel?: Yeah, there's my second wind! Call me Danza, because I am the boss of this shake!
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 16 Shake: Chocolate Covered Strawberry Taste: Like the strawberry shake, but with a hint of chocolate. How You Feel?: That second wind is gone. It has been replaced with a dull breeze. My tastebuds are spent.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 17 Shake: Cheesecake Taste: Downright citrusy. Anything with that graham cracker stuff on top is gonna taste good. How You Feel?: My body is a vessel for milkshakes. My blood runs thick with vanilla.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 18 Shake: Peanut Butter Taste: Like a jar of Skippy mated with a bucket of cream. How You Feel?: Pretty sure I have permanent brain freeze.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 19 Shake: Peanut Butter & Jelly Taste: Similar to licking a PB&J sandwich. Finishes with notes of strawberry jam. How You Feel?: Better now that I've warmed up my head with my hoodie.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 20 Shake: Chocolate Covered Banana Taste: Chunks of banana dovetail nicely with the chocolate flavors. Rich and velvety. How You Feel?: Just realized there were dudes behind me holding up fingers. Wonder how long they've been there. Are they my friends? What are they counting?
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 21 Shake: Strawberry Cream Pie Taste: Coconut flavors on the back end each spoonful. Big chunks of strawberry. How You Feel?: I feel great, and Thrillist would like me to say that I was not in any way coerced into trying all 25 shakes.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 22 Shake: Strawberry Banana Taste: Strawberries. Bananas. Willpower. How You Feel?: Ice melt brain inside face. Mommy and I went to market when I was a boy, and we bought candy!
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 23 Shake: Chocolate Cream Pie Taste: Coconut is two words if you think about it!!! How You Feel?: I wanna take a nap inside the sun.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 24 Shake: Chocolate Cheesecake Taste: Yes, Anthony Bourdain does have a TV show, and it airs on ABC at cold o'clock on ABC. A, B, C, D, E, F, G. How You Feel?: I am required to say that Thrillist does not have a policy of force-feeding its employees. The author of this article never once felt threatened by the Milkshake Compliance Officers that were hired by Thrillist for this photo shoot.
Number Of Shakes Sampled: 25 Shake: Peanut Butter Banana Taste: Real peanut butter, real bananas, real chocolate unicorns ridden by baby bears on a sea of cream. How You Feel?: I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all ice cream.