Michael Bay directed this ad
Yes, that Michael Bay. Before he went on to The Rock and Bad Boys, your favorite, blockbuster blow-em-up boss was working the small screen in commercial-land. It must have taken restraint to include that blast and not re-create the entire Burr-Hamilton duel, replete with 360-degree camera swings and Burr strolling away in slow motion as Hamilton and an entire truck filled with Roman candles exploded.
Aside: Michael Bay has never looked more punchable than in this photo.
It won 3 Clio awards
And no, those aren't the trophies given out to the scammiest TV psychics. They're the ad industry equivalent of Academy Awards. This spot also won silver at the Cannes International Advertising Festival. Which... that's a thing. Can you imagine a film festival crowd comprising nothing but ad industry people? It'd be like mall food court workers holding their own bootleg Michelin star award ceremony.
That steam pipe would ruin everything
You don't see steam pipes in the middle of museums for a reason: temperature and humidity fluctuations are the enemies of preservation. The only thing they're really good for: making Cary Elwes make deep, painful choices with a hacksaw.
Radio hosts don't call random numbers
Maybe this is a 90s thing and I'm just too young to accurately recall my childhood. But to win contests, YOU had to call THEM. I know, this format hypes up the conceit of the whole commercial -- but I'm not 8 anymore. Those hosts would waste hours of airtime dialing a phone. This commercial is not set in 2015, when Mike Francesa can get away with that -- on TV, no less! But it makes no sense in 1993.
This is definitely his bedroom
He's definitely never touched a woman.
Nobody deepthroats PB&Js like this
Kobayashi blushes at this guy's sandwich technique. Shit, even the bear from "Man vs. Beast" would blush. Then he'd eat more hot dogs.
How did he not realize he was out of milk?
If you've ever had a roommate, you know what a milk carton containing half a gulp feels like. It's the only state roommates leave milk cartons in. And at some point, this milk carton moved from the fridge to the table, and dumbass should have felt it. Then again, that's like no. 1,327 on the list of shit that's weird about this guy's situation.
Despite its flaws, this remains one of the best ads ever
Granted, that's according to a USA Today poll taken in 2002, and people only read USA Today in airports and dentist's offices. For all that seems bizarre now that I'm 30, this memorable spot spawned countless permutations, to the point you couldn't pick up a magazine in the late 90s and early 00s without encountering some moderately famous person with a milk mustache. Chris Chandler had one. Sadly, Bobby Hebert didn't. But the gag went on for 15 years, and the Google image results are hilarious. Dennis Rodman... A-Rod in baggy jeans... Tina Wesson (who?)... talk about beating an idea into the ground. And that's before anyone even mentioned Chris Brown.
The ad is greater than the sum of its parts. And that's not a bad thing. Admittedly, the star of the commercial would be on an FBI watch list these days. But Twitter didn't exist back in 1993, and not everyone had a #hot #take. These were simpler times.
But this ad did its job, and then some. I salute you, "Got Milk?" commercial.