3. Chocolate Chip
Right off the bat, this looks more appealing than the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. It’s got actual chocolate chips studding the top of the tart, with a drizzle of chocolate icing. And, DAMN. It’s filled with tons of chocolate goo! This is by far the most overwhelmingly chocolatey of the Pop-Tarts, and it’s not even in a chocolate pastry shell. It tastes like someone took a gas station cookie and microwaved the crap out of it, which, incidentally, is the way gas station cookies were meant to be eaten.
2. Wildlicious Wild! Cherry
Somehow, SOMEHOW, this has an even stronger cherry taste than the pure cherry one. Is it “wild”? Perhaps not, but that doesn’t really matter, does it? You don’t buy a Pop-Tart for its level of tameness. You buy it because it is delicious. And this is -- it’s like a party in my mouth, and the only one who showed up is a Wild! Cherry Pop-Tart. I'm at peace with that fact. It also has strong cherry Starburst notes.
1. Blue Raspberry
It’s common knowledge in my household that blue raspberry-flavored things are the best things, because they can be anything you want them to be. Have you ever seen a blue raspberry? No, because blue raspberries were made up by Big Flavor to sell more Blue 5 Lake (in my imagination). But that doesn’t mean this made-up concept isn’t still delicious. This is the ultimate proof of my theory. The raspberry jelly interior is opaque, not translucent like most other fillings. It’s like the slime Nickelodeon used to dump on those awful Figure It Out! contestants, except mixed with Blue 5 Lake.
The filling is on the tangy side, just like a blue raspberry should be, and has a stronger and more distinctive flavor than any of the other fruit Pop-Tarts. It tastes like liquefied Jolly Ranchers, probably has an insane amount of sugar, and is most likely the single worst thing to serve your child for breakfast... but that’s OK, because I’m an adult. I know because I had coffee this morning.
And the beauty of being an adult is that adults get to choose their own destiny/breakfast. Cheers to you, Blue Raspberry Pop-Tarts. You’ll soon be adorning my pantry.
Adam Lapetina is the partnerships editor at Thrillist, and would like to thank his toaster for being the real MVP. Read his musings at @adamlapetina.