You once studied abroad in Italy, and are either a vegetarian or strangely not very into prosciutto. Ordering grilled cheese is just a little too low-brow for your tastes, but you will make it at home late at night and not tell anyone. You will put sliced tomato and dried basil on it, take a photo, and Instagram it under #caprese. It's not the last lie you will tell tonight.
Dagwood Many of your personal life decisions and wardrobe choices could be described as cartoon-like. Also, you are morbidly obese, but blame your glands.
Egg salad You have chronic flatulence, and you pack this sandwich every day so your co-workers just think the smell is your lunch. You actually hate egg salad, but it was either this or a seeing-eye dog, and you decided that pretending to be blind at work was too much trouble.
French dip When your doctor said you have high blood pressure, you said, "No way, doc", and then didn't tell your significant other about the prognosis. You stockpile the extra au jus "just in case", but never use it. Your refrigerator smells terrible
Dan Gentile is a staff writer on Thrillist's national food and drink team. He sees a little bit of himself in each of these sandwiches, except ones that have mustard on them. Follow him to pretty much any other condiment at @Dannosphere.