Although it's tough to stand up to an unfair system that deprives kids of stuff they actually want to eat, somebody's gotta make like Neo and wire-fu the hell out of the idea that junk food is turning kids into forever-fatties who bottom-feed on empty calories the rest of their lives.
I was an American kid who ate brown sugar Pop-Tarts every day. And I somehow didn't turn into a lab rat who perpetually smacks a button that feeds him frosted breakfast pastries. But seriously, if you know where I can get such a button, tweet at me.
Dan Gentile at staff writer on Thrillist's National Food and Drink team. He still loves a good Zebra Cake. Follow him to more Little Debbie-related confessions at @Dannosphere.