Screw Gingerbread. Behold the Pizza House.
Every holiday season since I can remember, my mom has made a gingerbread house from scratch. The recipe and the pattern sit undisturbed throughout the year, only to emerge sometime after Thanksgiving so that she can start the three-day process of building the thing. It's a lovely tradition. But I am not my mother.
Did you see this fucking pizza house? Here's how you make it.
You will need:1. Parchment
3. Math skills
5. A blow torch
6. Four thin-crust frozen pizzas (I used Newman's because I am intimately familiar with this brand's structural integrity. Nights can be lonely in Ditmas, OK?)
7. One box of Ellio's (two to be safe)
8. String cheese
9. Assorted pizza topping decorations
10. A large, UN-CUT delivery cheese pizza
11. Nothing better to do
1. Make a patternYou can't expect to build an architecturally sound pizza house without preparation. The height of the front of the house must be exactly the same height as the Ellio's sides, and the length of the roof pieces must be longer than the Ellio's sides. Measure everything out, make a pattern with parchment, then transfer that to the circular cardboard pieces that come underneath the Newman's. This step is crucial!!
2. Cook the shit out of everythingBecause undercooked pizzas are mad floppy, leave them in the oven for awhile so they crisp up and stand on their own. This won't affect the taste too much, but it's important to note that no length of cooking will stop Ellio's from tasting like paste.
3. Cut the pizza into the correct shapesUse scissors to cut out the pattern. This is way easier after cooking.
4. Build an internal support structureFollow your heart here. We used the existing pattern to finagle cardboard scaffolding.
5. Make an olive pathBecause you don't want those dang neighbor kids trampling your cheese yard!
6. Solder the sides together with a string of cheese and a blow torchMostly because this is good fun.
7. Realize cheese is not a good glue, use a stupid amount of toothpicks insteadThis thing is 40% toothpicks.
8. Drink a beerDuh.
9. Use the empty can to hold up the side of the houseAs cans do.
10. Affix the pepperoni-shingled roofUse 100 more toothpicks.
11. Add toppingsOlives, green pepper, red onion, oregano, etc., etc. This is your home now.
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