Rock bottom eating habits: 40 signs that you've given up
There's nothing wrong with a little good-natured gluttony, but there comes a point in every man's life when he has to look at himself in the mirror, wipe an entire frozen pizza's worth of grease from his face, and own up to hitting rock bottom.
These are the moments that come right before that sodium-fueled catharsis. The signs that you've completely given up on a respectable dietary lifestyle in favor of a dark, sickly satiation that could easily be avoided by just going to the damn grocery store. Here are 40 of these awful habits, and, to our increased horror, we know we missed a lot. So feel free to chime in in the comments with your own stories of nutritional descent. We won't judge -- we've probably been there.
Becoming visibly delighted at the discovery of cold fries at the bottom of an old fast-food bag
No amount of ketchup can make this better.
Being unable to make your own sandwiches
Bulk-buying pre-made sandwiches from the Quickie Mart might keep you from having to go to a grocery store, but it is not without consequences.
Eating a spoonful of breadcrumbs/other types of crumbs
The bottom of the bag is the new bottom of the barrel.
Microwaving week-old pizza extra long to make it soft
This trick won't keep it from tasting like your refrigerator.
Using the wrong utensils because you won't wash the damn dishes
Cereal with a fork is blasphemy.
Ordering macaroni & cheese as your entree at a restaurant. By yourself.
Even the 5-year-old version of you feels sick.
Eating queso with your fingers because you ran out of chips
Your hands are not an appropriate dipping vessel.
Knowingly eating way more than your fair share of a family-style meal without apologizing or even making a self-deprecating joke about it
Your lack of shame does not go unnoticed.
This is why God created fresh pots of coffee.
Drinking coffee black, even though you hate black coffee
Is going to the convenience store to buy milk and sugar really that daunting? At least you could pick up a few sandwiches while you're there.
Your typical grocery list consists of bread
Plus whatever beer's on sale.
Eating bread that's gone so stale it could be used as a weapon
A HAM and cheese sandwich shouldn't be a meatless reference to a Jay Z song.
Accounting for a nap when planning big meals
You must not care much about the rest of your day.
Doing anything Louis C.K. has talked about on stage or done during his show
Eating half a dollar slice and trashing the other half, hiding ice cream from your children, doing "bam-bam" back-to-back restaurant meals...
Cutting the moldy part off of fruit/veggies/cheese...
When the mold is over 75% of the food in question.
Eating deli meat sans bread
Just because Metallica did it in the '80s doesn't make it okay.
Eating wilted greens
Congratulations on trying to get some nutrients, but there must really be nothing else in your fridge if you're resorting to month-old Spring mix.
Devouring peanut butter straight out of the jar
Your hands are still not an appropriate dipping vessel.
Eating cereal for a meal that isn't breakfast
There is nothing cheerful about Cheerios for dinner.
Drinking the watery remains of a fountain soda
Stare deeply into the pit of despair, and you might even see congealing traces of syrup.
Using hot pasta straight from the pot to heat up cold sauce straight from the jar
Seriously, you don't have a second pot?
Reusing a pot to boil pasta multiple times without washing it
You know the only thing that's been in there is pasta, so fair game, right? Right?
Buying day-old pastries...
And holding on to them for several more days.
Eating at a strip club, not during lunch special
Food and bare breasts should never be combined unless it's steak and shrimp and sold for less than half the price of a matinee lap dance.
Getting extra fast-food to microwave later
Eating a fast-food burger two days in a row
Eating expired frozen meals
Microwaving it for an extra minute won't kill off the frosty bacteria, it will only make it stronger.
Putting a half-finished beer in the fridge for later
You're gross and a quitter.
Eating over the sink to conserve dishes
Or really any of these shameful working from home habits.
Downing more than one tray of Milanos in a single sitting
This is even sadder with Oreos.
Using condiments that aren't spaghetti sauce as spaghetti sauce
The lady at the Taco Bell counter might not have had the heart to call you out on pocketing all that Fire Sauce, but we will.
Eating a "ramen bar"
Raw ramen sprinkled with seasoning does not a protein bar make.
Considering it acceptable to eat a whole frozen pizza
Congratulations, you just consumed three days worth of sodium.
Having a "regular" meal you get at 7-Eleven
The cashiers know you well enough that you've actually had a conversation with them about why beef jerky on a bagel is really one of the more underrated sandwiches out there.
Making a giant bowl of spaghetti and eating it five meals in a row
Refrigerated spaghetti has a nutritional gross-life of about eight hours.
Perfecting the condiment sandwich/taco
If the meat of your sandwich/taco comes out of a bottle, you might as well have just gone to the Quickie Mart.
Eating stale Chinese takeout fortune cookies for breakfast
They are so not almost a pastry. Or a cereal, so save the milk.
Systematically eliminating all the lonely bobbing pickled whatevers out of their jars on the fridge door while you watch TV
Sure, convince yourself it's too late to order a real meal.
Getting anything you've thrown away out of the trash can
You're eating food... that was in the trash can.
Mixing and matching packaged noodles and powdered sauces
Mac and cheese ramen might make sense at some wacky artisan restaurant, but your kitchen is not that.
Dan Gentile is a staff writer on Thrillist's national food and drink team. He promises he's going to start buying Spring mix again/stop letting it wilt. Follow him to empty frozen pizza boxes at @Dannosphere.