A lot of things are best left to the imagination, like Sasquatch or the actual nutritional content of a Hot Pocket. But one courageous man decided that Patton Oswalt's magnificently disgusting, made-up Black Angus menu needed to be a very real thing and cooked it up for his buddy's bachelor party. We've got all the photo evidence below, but in case you need a refresher, first here's Patton's bit: Ready? Let's go.
This Pizza is 100% Nashville Hot Chicken
So this would be the appetizer platter of "five jumbo deep-fried gulf shrimp, served on a disc of salted butter with 15 of our potato bacon bombs and a big bowl of pork cracklings with our cheese-and-butter dipping sauce". Somewhere, Paula Deen just happy-cried into a Land 'o Lakes tub.
Next up is the "mile-long soup and salad bar featuring bacon and cheese cream soup and our five head of lettuce He-Man salad served in a punchbowl with 18lbs of Ranch dressing; pork-stuffed, deep-fried croutons; and -- what the hell -- a couple of corndogs". Let's give this guy a slow clap for actually making those fair food fantasy croutons.
The "bottomless trough of fried dough", which our intrepid chef notes was indeed bottomless, 'cause he sliced off the pan's bottom.
And now the piece de resistance, the "55oz Los Mesa He-Man Steak Slab served with a deep-fried pumpkin stuffed with buttered scallops and 53 of our potato-bacon bombs". Just saying: you're gonna have an old jack-o-lantern sitting outside your door pretty soon, man. You know what to do.
Don't forget the gravy pipe, Abigail Mae!
Because this man did not half-ass a second of this project, he even included this nametag, since at Black Angus "your name is Peaches".