Dear panic-shopping sissies:
Hi. My name is Dave. You may remember me from one of my many illustrious & professional journalism projects, such as getting fat with grace, or banging pies for sport. I know, I know -- you’re impressed. But enough about me! We’re here to discuss you, Mister/Miss Young Able Resident of a Large Metropolitan Area in America. Specifically, your batty insistence on raiding the grocery store for assorted nonperishables and a cubic yard of distilled water at the earliest hint of inclement weather. This is neurotic, nonsensical behavior, my dears. It’s the behavior, quite frankly, of a city-living sissy. Is that what you are?
Probably. Let’s investigate together, shall we?
We begin with the facts. It’s 2015. You are smart, because you’re reading: both words, generally, and this website, specifically. Food is relatively plentiful in the Western Hemisphere, especially in big American cities like NYC, Frisco, and Dallas/Fort Worth. Snowstorms (or really, any storm that doesn’t have its own fear-inspiring name like “hurricane” or “tornado” or “Kristen”) exist in these places. Sometimes, they temporarily limit or -- gasp! -- sever entirely your access to basic utilities, such as electricity, hot water, and Netflix. Though this sucks, it doesn’t threaten your ability to procure the requisite foodstuffs to sustain human existence. These are all facts, yes?