The Perfect Recipes for Your Super Bowl Party
Americans spend an average of $227 million on potato chips on Super Bowl Sunday. And while potato chips are great (transcendent even), you don't want to be the sixth person to show up at your buddy's pigskin bacchanal packing a can of Pringles. And if you're hosting, you definitely want to give your treasured guests an experience that will make them feel inadequate about all future gatherings they may or may not host. It's what friends are for.
Since you may not be culinary-inclined -- or creative, at all -- we put together a list of (actually good) themed snacks and drinks, based around the teams that smashed their way to victory this season: the Patriots of New England, and the Eagles of Philadelphia. Most of you probably don't know who to root for, so the least you can do is shove copious amounts of cheese and liquor down your gullet for three-and-a-half hours. It's basically your duty as an American.
Food for Patriots
1. Bill Belichicken Fries
If Bill Belichick hadn't sold his soul 18 years ago in return for unprecedented, sustained football success, he would probably give it up for these homemade chicken fries with nacho cheese.
3. Gronk-tastic Yo Soy Fiesta Enchilada Cups
Noted fun-enthusiast and amateur Spanish attempter Rob Gronkowski may not make it out of concussion protocol this Sunday... but you can still celebrate his greatest locker room quip with these handheld enchilada cups. It's like a party in your mouth, and only you are invited.
4. Masshole Ramen Lobster Rolls
Park the cah. Hit up Dunkin'. Then whip up this trashy, totally Mass-hole riff on a New England classic for some wicked tasty treats while living vicariously through Tom and Co. on yet another Sunday.
5. Malcom Butler's Perfectly Timed (Apple) Turnovers
The only thing better than a Butler INT in crunch-time is a crunchy apple turnover anytime.
6. Semi-Deflated Grilled Cheese Dumplings
Just get a toothpick, and take out approximately/allegedly 2 pounds per square feet of air from these suckers to fully complete the theme.
7. New England Pâtériots
If your Super Bowl party doesn't have a big ol' bowl of pâté, is it even a Super Bowl party at all?
8. Five-layer dip... or six-layer dip (depending on how confident you are)
You can either opt for a dip with as many layers as New England has Lombardi Trophies, OR you can go for as many layers as New England will (statistically, probably) have by Monday morning. The choice is yours!
9. Double-Dynasty Grilled Cheese Dogs
As the Pats propel towards what can reasonably be considered their SECOND dynasty this century, they deserve a double serving of this extreme, artery-busting grilled cheese hot dog.
10. GOAT Stew
Do it for Tom.
Food for Eagles
1. Nick Folk's Backup Bacon-Wrapped Yolks
We wish him the best.
2. The Mashed Potato Bacon Bomb Jawn
If you have to ask what "Jawn" means, and why it might relate to Eagles fans, you don't really deserve to know.
3. Chris Long's Incredibly Long Chili Cheese Dog
There is no better way to celebrate the Pro Bowl DE's second trip to the Super Bowl (fun fact: he was on the Patriots last year) than with this massive hot dog.
4. Fly Eagles Fly F*cking Meat Pie
If the gratuitous meat doesn't appeal to your inner Philadelphian, the casual profanity surely will.
5. Please Don't Forget About Carson Wentz Philly Cheesesteak Waffles
Friendly reminder that Philly's signature dish works in myriad formats -- and also Philly's most important player isn't even playing in this game. Just don't forget. He'll be around next year.
6. Almost-as-Good-as-Wawa Thanksgiving Sandwich
It's not as good as the Gobbler, a legendary sandwich at Eastern PA's favorite gas station/food destination. But shit, nothing is.
7. Fishtown's Hipsterific Goldfish Mac & Cheese
Celebrate Philly's trendiest 'hood with this kid-inspired take on mac & cheese. Hey, it works if you don't think too hard about it.
8. Doug Pederson's Under-the-Radar-But-Incredibly-Competent Philly Cheesesteak Taquitos
He might not be flashy. But he's definitely in the Super Bowl.
10. Zero Lombardi Trophy, Zero-Calorie Celery
If you chew enough, you'll actually lose weight! Which is much better than losing a Super Bowl.
Drinks for Patriots
1. Giselle's Totally Authentic Brazilian Caip-beer-inha
At this point, she's basically part of the team.
2. Danny Amendola's Amaretto Sour
Filling in for Edelman's Appletini, naturally.
3. "Thank God We Aren't Playing the NY Giants" Gimlet
For real though.
4. Robert Kraft's Assorted Kraft Kocktails
Slices of Kraft cheese (no relation) optional.
5. We'll Probably Be Here Next Year Anyway Celebration Margaritas
Why fight it?
Drinks for Eagles
4. Fletcher Cox's Glow-in-the-Dark Jell-O Shots
Because he lights up quarterbacks. And he probably likes Jell-O shots. Probably.
5. "Cars on Fire" Spicy Sriracha-lada
Win or lose, we do know one thing: someone is lighting something on fire in Philly on Sunday.