The 24 Weirdest Food Items You Can Buy on Amazon

Weird Food on Amazon
Amazon/Jennifer Bui/Thrillist
Amazon/Jennifer Bui/Thrillist

Amazon has gone from a humble internet book-seller to a tentacled interweb leviathan that grasps at every aspect of our daily lives and beyond. It's no secret that you can find some super-eclectic shit on the behemoth, and these insane food-related items are no exception. Some of these oddities are hard to believe, but we promise none of this is tripe. Except for the haggis, which of course is quite literally tripe. 

Edible Crickets
Amazon

Crick-ettes

Price: $8.10
Bugs are the food of the future, sheeple, so make like Timon, Pumbaa, and child-to-young-adult-Simba and start eating these grubs by the handful while singing about not giving a damn about anyone or anything.
 

Squid ink

Price:$13.95
I actually like squid ink pasta, even if it makes my mouth look like the Penguin from Batman Returns. But now I can enjoy my squid ink straight out of the jar with a spoon.

Bullet Ice Cube Tray
Amazon

Bullet ice cube tray

Price:$4.99
Give a man an ice cube tray that makes ice bullets, and he'll entertain himself for a day. Give a man an ice cube tray that makes ice bullets AND a halfway decent Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, and he'll annoy everyone around him for the rest of his life.

Century Egg
Amazon

Chinese century egg

Price:$15.89
These preserved eggs are a fairly common dish in China, but aren't really 100 years old... but like, they might as well be. 
 

Air-chilled whole rabbit

Price:$29.99
Trust me on this one, wild rabbits are extremely frisky and hard to catch. Once again 21st-century technology steps in to make our lives that much easier. Less fun, but easier.

50 Ways to Eat Cock
Amazon

50 Ways to Eat Cock by Adrienne N. Hew

Price:$13.32
I know, I'm surprised your mom didn't write it, too. 

Communion To Go Cups
Amazon

Pre-filled communion cups (aka Eucharist Lunchables)

Price:$26.99
Here is my proposed TV jingle for the Fellowship Cup: "When you're on the go, but need to cleanse your soul, shove a Fellowship cup, down your sinning mouth-hole." Might need a rewrite. TBD. 
 

50lb bulk MSG

Price:$209.09
Do you find your daily diet lacking that distinct "budget Chinese food" taste? Do you find that healthy levels of sodium in your food just aren't cutting it for your taste buds? Are you looking to blow your blood pressure through the roof so you can get some doctor-mandated time off from work? Then this 50lb bulk bag of pure MSG may be right for you!

Cat Salt and Pepper Shakers
Amazon

The Cats Ass salt and pepper shaker set

Price: Currently unavailable
I, for one, only eat salt out of a cat's ass. This makes it more sanitary and a lot less weird. 
 

Caffeinated water

Price: $29.65
This just makes my brain hurt. Pick a side and stick to it, water!

Bacon Lube
Amazon

Bacon lube

Price: Currently unavailable
Perfect for making bacon on the beach -- if you know what I'm saying. (Sex, I'm talking about sex.)

Chocolate Gun
Amazon

Chocolate gun with gun case

Price:Currently unavailable
Airport security workers hate it!

canned rattlesnake
Amazon

Canned smoked rattlesnake

Price:$23.99
I mean, how cool would it be to have to pick out pieces of dead rattlesnake from your teeth? That's some Pecos Bill-level shit right there. 
 

Spam Snacks

Price:$29.15
To Spam Snacks, I dedicate this simple haiku: Who would buy this stuff / Spam Snacks, disgusting, you are / Maybe Hawaii?

Canned haggis
Amazon

Canned haggis

Price: $11.39
You heard it here first: haggis is the next trendy superfood.

Bologna sandwich poster
Amazon

Giant bologna sandwich wall sticker with one bite missing

Price: $89.98
This Fathead-esque giant wall sticker of a plain bologna sandwich with a single bite missing is exactly what your man cave needs to bring it to new levels of milquetoast.
 

Jellyfish noodles

Price:$42.40
Pair them with squid ink for a feast fit for a horseshoe crab.

one pound bag of cereal marshmallows
Amazon

Giant bag of cereal marshmallows

Price:$10.29
This is my 6-year-old self's dream come true. And now, as an adult, I'm too scared of early onset diabetes to even order it. 

Condiments for dogs
Amazon

Petchup, Muttstard, and Mutt-n-aise combo

Price:$27.95
Just to be clear, these are condiments for dogs. Not hot dogs. I mean they are condiments meant to be eaten by dogs. I mean, I guess you could feed your dogs hot dogs and put these on top, but that just seems a little excessive. Anyway, they have clever names.

Kangaroo Jerky
Amazon

Kangaroo jerky 

Price:$4.95
If "Foster's" is Australian for beer then "kangaroo" must be Australian for beef, which leads me to believe Australian rodeos are absolutely insane.

canned unicorn
Amazon

Canned unicorn meat

Price:$12.81
Apparently, these cans are filled with chopped-up pieces of stuffed animals. So, I guess this is just a "novelty," but it felt like an inclusion here was warranted. And almost anything can be a "food," if you try hard enough and know a good gastroenterologist.

Thanksgiving gumballs
Amazon

Thanksgiving gumballs

Price:$6.50
One step closer to Wonka's meal-replacing gum that turns people big, round, and blue. These can't be good.
 

Pickle gumballs

Price:$6.33
I tell ya, it's the fellas with pickle-scented breath that really get a gal's attention.

canned tarantula
Amazon

Edible dehydrated zebra tarantula 

Price:$24.99
Fun fact: Edible Dehydrated Zebra Tarantula is the name of my black-metal side project. 

Fat replica
Amazon

BONUS: One big lump of fat (replica)

Price:$18.23
So you can see exactly what all this excess tarantula and cereal marshmallows is becoming inside your body.

Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.

Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Thrillist. He ate a tarantula once, but it was not in a can. Follow him: @wilfulton.