The Defiant Phone Caller
“No, don’t worry about it, I’m not busy. I’m just sitting at dinner with three other people in a restaurant, so obviously I feel like this is the right time to talk openly and loudly about why divorcing Doug was the best thing I’ve ever done for my sex life. Hold on, I’m getting another call.”
The Gluten-Free Evangelist
Stop giving us murder eyes when we go for the bread basket. No one cares what it’s done for your “energy.”
The Couple with a Baby in a Place Where There Shouldn’t Be One
We salute the fact that you’re not letting a baby get in the way of you living your life, but maybe don’t bring little Brayden to the extremely crowded restaurant opening party, yeah?!? We do like his ironic Ramones tee, though.
The Group Dinner Freeloader
Thank you for ordering a martini when everyone else got beer, and that extra soup that no one else got, and then realizing you were late for something vague, and hoping it was “chill” if you just left $20. #YouMustBeDestroyed
The Perpetual Instagrammer
We get that it’s hard to enjoy food if a) no one knows you’re eating it, and b) it’s not filtered through X-Pro II (or, ugh, Kelvin), but -- wait, no, we don’t at all.
The Waitress Pick-Up Artist
Did you just draw a pen15 next to your cell number on the check? Does that really work? Also: do you realize you only tipped 15%?
The Noise-Averse Old People
You do know you came to this restaurant of your own accord, right? And aren’t you supposed to actually hear less as you get older?