The Fourth Circle: Brunch at Someone’s Apartment
“We’re hosting A Bloody Good Brunch next weekend! Comeeeee <33” the email subject line will read. Inside is a Paperless Post invitation laboriously created by the most boring couple you know demanding your presence at their homespun trash-food tryst for “a Saturday of tipsy fun, new friends, and most importantly: GOOD FOOD!”
Spoiler alert! None of that is true! Having brunch at someone’s apartment is like having sex in someone’s shower: unless that person is extremely wealthy, it is going to be uncomfortable, underwhelming, and weird to make eye contact during or after. It’s crowded, and there’s never enough booze. You will eat a plate of lukewarm scrambled eggs perched on your knees, desperately trying not to spill any on a couch that you’d rather not be sitting on anyway. Upon leaving, you will probably get into a fight with your significant other, one of those weird non-shouting shouting matches. Whatever the fight is about, you picked it because of this brunch.
The Fifth Circle: Singles Brunch
Aside from the potential for casual sex with strangers, and the guilt-free farting, being single is a trying experience. One of its biggest challenges is finding other single people to brunch with, because Lord knows you don't want to third-wheel your waffles across the table from a happy couple. And so spawns Singles Brunch.
Usually, what this means is Single Ladies Brunch. (There's also Single Bros Brunch, and Single Gays Brunch, but the former is rare, and the latter is too complex for a straight guy to discuss in responsible detail.) Single Ladies Brunch is different than "Cute" Brunch in several ways: everyone is single, everyone is a lady, and everyone is either going to Coachella, just got back from Coachella, or already bought their tickets for next year's Coachella. 'CHELLA #VIBES, BETCH!
Single Ladies Brunch will often involve shots, gossip, aviator sunglasses, and someone named Taylor showing up late because she was at Pure Barre. It is loud, it is chaotic, and it is fundamentally uncontrollable. There's no telling whether Single Ladies Brunch will end in tears, a dive bar, or tears cried in a dive bar. Fear Single Ladies Brunch.