They say there's no such thing as bad pizza, but that hasn't stopped the frozen-food industry from waging a decades-long experiment to disprove that old adage. Still, advances in rising-crust science have forced purveyors to step up their game. We live in the golden age of frozen pizza. Some are better than the chains. Some are best utilized for a subarctic Ultimate Frisbee league.
To find the best, I risked hypothermia in the frozen-food aisle and adult-onset diabetes to taste-test the most common frozen pies on shelves. The criteria was simple: I picked all the major brands available in their classic, most basic forms, and rated them based on cheese, sauce, texture, crust, and overall tastiness. If there was pepperoni, I went with that (I'm only human). Barring that, plain cheese. No French bread, bagels, pockets, or specialties. Just good ol' pizza. Here's how they stacked up.