Walk into any fast-casual Mexican joint and you’ll inevitably bear witness to what can only be described as a modern-day massacre: dozens of slack-jawed gringos, sawing at their gorgeous burritos with the clumsy determination of an infant jamming a square block into a round hole. It’s enough to send Sarah McLachlan sobbing to her own damn angels. It ends here.
Simply put, the Chipotle generation, with all their knife-and-forking, their utter disregard for tightly wrapped foil, doesn’t deserve burritos -- at least not until they learn a thing or two about proper burrito etiquette. I’ve perfected my method through years of diligent, lip-smacking study, plotting a course that successfully avoids mishaps like explosions, puncture wounds, and excess dripping. Follow along closely, amigos, because I’m about to blow your pinto bean-sized minds.