Walk into any fast-casual Mexican joint and you’ll inevitably bear witness to what can only be described as a modern-day massacre: dozens of slack-jawed gringos, sawing at their gorgeous burritos with the clumsy determination of an infant jamming a square block into a round hole. It’s enough to send Sarah McLachlan sobbing to her own damn angels. It ends here.
Simply put, the Chipotle generation, with all their knife-and-forking, their utter disregard for tightly wrapped foil, doesn’t deserve burritos -- at least not until they learn a thing or two about proper burrito etiquette. I’ve perfected my method through years of diligent, lip-smacking study, plotting a course that successfully avoids mishaps like explosions, puncture wounds, and excess dripping. Follow along closely, amigos, because I’m about to blow your pinto bean-sized minds.
Before I get into the best way to dig into that gloriously overstuffed little donkey, we need to go over a brief list of devastatingly heinous, absolutely wrong ways to eat that burrito.
Wrong: unwrapping the entire thing
Such a classic rookie move. What are you planning on doing with this floppy, unruly, completely unprotected mess? Pick it up and spill it everywhere? Poke at it until it falls apart? Stare at it longingly? Get a literal grip.
Wrong: slicing it down the middle and spooning out the insides
I once broke up with someone solely because she insisted on butchering her burritos this way (fine, there were other reasons, but this shit is inexcusable).
Wrong: attempting to use a knife and fork at any point
Who are you, George Costanza? Lose the utensils, son. You look like a damn fool.
Now that we've covered the bad, let's get into the good
The way I get down incorporates some uniquely resourceful innovations. Bon appétit.
1. Get her ready
Stand the wrapped burrito upright on the table, lightly pressing the butt down to steady it. Unwrap the top inch or so of tin foil, smooth it flat, and set aside.
Bite the top corner of the burrito, holding it lightly in the middle (don’t squeeze it!). Then, eat an even line across to top, finishing just above the tin foil line.
3. Grab a few chips and scoop out the filling
After you stand it back up on the table, transform the burrito’s innards into the best dip ever.
4. Pinch & bite
After a few good scoops you'll be left with excess tortilla that can be pinched closed to avoid spillage as you unwrap more of the tin foil. Do this, then eat across until you get to the next overstuffed section.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4
Do this until there’s only about an inch of burrito left standing.
6. Take a break... or don't
If you get full at any point, just pinch the top part of the tortilla closed, pick up your reserve tin foil, and wrap it around the top of the baby burrito. Pop it in the fridge for future enjoyment. Or keep going, no judgement here.
When you reach the end, fully unwrap what's left of the burrito, then fold the upper part of the tortilla inwards until it forms an adorable little dumpling. Enjoy that concentrated deliciousness. Welcome to the big leagues, hermano.
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Meredith Heil is a staff writer for Thrillist. Gotta get away from her, though. And if you wanna beef, she’ll wrap you up like a burrito. Send corrections to @mereditto.